"Til death do us part"...It is not a cliche'

"Til death do us part"...

It is not a cliche'

The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. A successful marriage does not just happen. It takes alot of hard work...and commitment.

It is not uncommon to discover that while one spouse has struggled with leaving, the other spouse may find it difficult to cleave. And certain challenges may emerge at different stages in a marriage.

Here is the key passage on marriage in the Bible: 

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 

Genesis 2:24 (KJV)

Let us learn what the word "cleave" means in the Hebrew language:
To cling
to follow hard
stick together
to abide
to adhere

This reminds me of the first time I used Krazy Glue. My mother told me not to get it on my hands but being the stubborn, hard headed child that I was mixed with a bit of curiosity did not listen to her heeding. I spent a few hours and a lot of pain trying to separate my thumb and forefinger from each other.

The word cleave in this context literally means to stick together but not temporarily...permanently like gluing two broken pieces to make one.

So why is divorce so prevalent in today's society? I believe it is because of two problems: one or both of the couple never really left and one or both of the couples never cleft. You MUST do BOTH to have a successful marriage.

In closing I would like to leave you with 7 ways to help a couple to be successful in cleaving to one another:

1. Make a commitment to one another for life. Agree that divorce is not an acceptable option and choose to work out disagreements and difficult situations.

2. Reserve the expression of your sexuality only within your marriage. Don't go looking for new and exciting, make your own new and exciting.

3. Be content with what you have and do not try to live above what you can afford. Most marriages end over two things and one of them is MONEY. Don't take on more debt than you can afford and quit trying to keep up with the Joneses. They are not as happy as they appear.

4. Make an effort to prevent other people, activities, or responsibilities from infringing on time spent with one another. This can be a difficult one because today most couples both have to work to make ends meet but make time for your spouse and family. Don't look for reasons to be away from them.

5. Forgive one another before walls are built between you. Be honest with your spouse. If your spouse has hurt you in the past, forgive then MOVE ON. You can not move on holding in past hurts and holding grudges. It is impossible. When your spouse confides in you about past hurts or situations, don't go blab them to your girlfriends (or guy friends). Listen to them, thank them for trusting you and let them know you do not judge them for past mistakes.

6. Do not seek revenge from past hurts to retaliate against your spouse. I hate to bust your bubbles but EVERY couple is going to have a disagreement or an argument during there marriage. Tiffany and I have a rule that we try to adhere to but sometimes it is difficult. Anything that has happened 24 hours ago is of limits in any argument or disagreement. This rule helps not bring up past hurts because as you know words hurt worse than physical attacks because you can not take them back after you say them.

7. Last but not least, put God first in your marriage. God should be your highest goal to reach as a couple. How do you do this? You have to love God more than your spouse, more than your parents, even more than your children. This is hard for some but you also have to love God more than money. The Bible tells us that the love of money is the root of all evil, not money is the root of all evil. You have to have money but don't let money have you!

Today is the day to change the direction of your marriage if it heading in the wrong direction. Recommit yourself to your spouse. Rebuild a lasting love relationship with your spouse. Most of all start putting God first in your marriage and you will see a huge difference in how your relationship will grow into the beautiful union that God intended.

This post is linked up on Fellowship Friday and The Weekend Brew! Click on over to discover more enriching Christian posts!

Do Your "Rules" of Marriage Show A Lack of Trust?

Before Billy and I started dating, I was in a relationship that ran hot and cold every time the wind blew a different direction. We were madly in love, or so I thought, but there was also an issue of distance so I used that as the excuse for all the arguments we had. Clearly it was only because we couldn't see each other all the time and we were just frustrated about being so far away. Yeah....okay.... 
A year into our roller coaster of a relationship I happened to pick up his phone one day to make a phone call because my phone was dead. When I picked up his phone a text message popped up from a girl and thanks to smart phones everywhere part of the message scrolled across his screen. She couldn't wait to be in his arms again. I was heartbroken. But because I couldn't let well enough alone I opened up his text messages. And broke my own heart even more. There were several messages to several different girls and the girl who couldn't wait to see him was a girl that we had already fought over. Publicly. He had promised me that there was nothing going on and I believed him. I felt so humiliated that she and her friends, and some of his friends as well, knew he was lying and I played the part of the fool so well. The last message he sent her was sent while I was lying next to him on the couch the night before. He told her he missed her terribly and couldn't wait to be in her arms again. 
I confronted him and tried to end things and that is when he began to profusely apologize.

And like an idiot, I believed him. We had already been through so much together and I know that there are girls out there who prey on men who are hurting and lonely. It was HER fault. She was conniving and messy and needed to get a man of her own! Because he's not guilty at all, right? Over the next few days before he left to go back home I checked his phone constantly. But never where he could see me. I wanted him to think I still trusted him. I went through his texts, his phone history, his Facebook (I later found out he actually had a second Facebook account that he had blocked me from seeing.), and any other social media profile I could think of that he had. Nothing. No messages. No girls. And then he went home and put hundreds of miles of distance between us. And that's when I allowed all of that hurt and anger and humiliation to turn me into a horrible person. 
I cheated, too. 
I thought I would feel vindicated and justified by what I did. If he had no problem hurting me then I could hurt him, too. Only I didn't hurt him. I continued to hurt myself. And I sent myself further and further away from God until I could no longer feel God's presence in my life. But how did I get to that point? How did this relationship that started out so wonderful end in so much hurt and anger? 
The biggest reason is because we weren't living our lives for God.  The other reason is because we did not trust and respect each other. 
This brings me to a trend I have noticed promoted by Christian couples, blogs, churches, and even people in my own life who have set "rules" for their marriages that make me uneasy and a little bit sad. Especially since these rules are passed off as requirements for a Biblical marriage. 
*And I do not ever claim to know everything about the Bible or how to have a Biblical marriage and if someone can't point out these things that I'm about to discuss in Scripture, I will amend this post.*
These rules include things such as knowing all of the passwords to your spouse's e-mail and social media accounts, keeping a certain distance between you and a person of the opposite sex, refraining from having too many persons of the opposite sex on your friends list on social media, limiting Facebook messages or not even using Facebook messenger at all, not watching movies that have men pulling their shirts off, and my personal favorite, avoiding crowded beaches. 
All of things are promoted as ways to keep your marriage strong and to keep the Devil from sneaking in and stealing away your spouse to a life of sin. And I think some people follow those rules because they are well-meaning and are trying to be diligent in keeping their marriage strong. But here lies the problem with these things; they're not Biblical, they show that you don't trust each other, and they create a channel of control to wield over each other. 

Knowing the Passwords or Sharing Social Media Accounts 

I'm actually on the fence about this one. This is something that Billy and I have actually struggled with in our own marriage. When we first got together I was still hurting emotionally from the previous relationship and I was insecure about my relationship with Billy. I loved him so much and I didn't want to lose him but I couldn't get the past out of my head. I was making my darling husband pay for some other man's mistakes. While I was trying to keep our relationship together, I was unknowingly tearing it apart because I was showing Billy that I didn't trust him. And that I didn't respect his privacy. I could have lost my relationship with my husband because I was so worried about who he was talking to and what they were talking about instead of showing my love for him. 

But it is something I'm on the fence about because the argument goes something like this: "If you're not doing anything wrong, then you have nothing to hide."  and the counter argument to that is: "If you really trusted me then you wouldn't need to see every thing I'm doing when you're not around." I personally feel like this whole situation just sets you up for trouble. You and your husband  should have a conversation about social media. You should lay out what you expect from your partner as far as behavior on social media and you should always, always, always remember that no matter what you post, because you are now One, it will reflect on the other. Be respectful of what you post and how you post it. 

Keeping A Certain Distance from Persons of the Opposite Sex 

This makes sense. Until I started reading the guidelines for this rule on several different blogs. It isn't just keeping a certain distance. Part of the rule is you should also talk as quickly as you can as little as possible to people of the opposite sex. Take care of whatever business it is you have with the person of the opposite sex and then immediately stick your head back up your spouse's rear. Or at least that's how it came across to me. Keeping a safe distance from someone of the opposite sex does cut down on the possibility for someone to say that you were being improper. Hurriedly talking to someone of the opposite sex and then removing yourself from their presences as quickly as you can solely because they are of the opposite gender just makes you rude. Rude. That's the only way I can take this. It should not matter one bit whether you are talking to someone of the opposite sex as long as you are not talking to them about something that is inappropriate. 
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that a married person cannot speak to a person of the opposite gender just because they are the opposite gender. Anyone who says differently should be ashamed because it's not true and they are using it as a way to control who their spouse talks to. Some of my best friends in this world are men and I thank God that he placed them in my life. Billy has several friends who are women. Once upon a time, I wasn't so trusting of those women, but it was because I was insecure of myself. Not because of anything Billy or those women had done. Now, I don't even think twice about it because I trust Billy with everything in me. 
What if you missed out on witnessing to someone about God because you were in such a hurry to "take care of business" and end your conversation all because they were the opposite sex? 
Facebook Messages
Oh Mylanta, Facebook! I've come to the conclusion that Facebook is a double-edged sword. I love being able to keep in touch with family and friends who live out of town, see pictures of my friends beautiful kids, and to be able to share things with friends. But Facebook can create problems. Facebook can often times cause people to try and create lives that they don't really lead. It can allow them to make their lives seem better than they really are. And it can give validation to lonely, hurting spouses that there are still people out there in this world that are interested in them or think they still have value. This goes back to my earlier statement about social media passwords. You should not be checking up on your spouse's messages and/or comments. You have to trust your spouse that they are not doing anything wrong. Checking their messages immediately sends them the message that you do not trust them and eventually they will get into the mindset of: "Well, since I'm being accused of it, I might as well....". 
Your setting yourself and your marriage up for failure. 
Not Watching Movies With Shirtless Men and Scantily Clad Women
I personally feel like this really falls under personal preference. But I do not think it should be a rule in your marriage that you do not allow your husband to watch The Avengers because David Banner loses his shirt somewhere along the way. The same goes with movies that have women wearing bathing suits, skimpy outfits, etc. If you don't want to watch a movie with that in it, then don't. But do not guilt your spouse into not watching something because you are insecure about them seeing another person's body. And don't pass it off with every controlling Christian's favorite passage about looking on another person with lust because there's a very important part of that passage that gets left out when someone tries to use it to control another person's actions. And this, my friends, is not about making your marriage strong, it is about how to control the other person in the marriage. 
And last but not least, the one that bugs me the most: 
Avoiding Crowded Beaches (Or Anywhere That Women May Be Dressed Immodestly) 
This "rule" is backed up using this scripture from Matthew 5:28: 
"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." 
This is the verse I was referencing in the passage above. I've heard so many people say, "If a man looks at another woman then he's committed adultery. Says so right in the Bible."
No. No, it doesn't. That's not even close to what is says because people quoting it decided to leave something out in order to fit their own agenda. This passage in Matthew says that if a man looks at another woman to lust after her then he is committing adultery. This does not mean that if a man looks at another woman across the room that he has committed adultery. This does not mean that if a man sees a woman in her bathing suit that he has committed adultery. It means that if a man looks at another woman and thinks to himself, "Shoot, I'd like to have a piece of that pie!", he has committed adultery. 
The fact that people practice this in their marriage and teach this practice to their children really breaks my heart. 

It's not Biblical.

It teaches young men that they have no control over their lustful urges because of immodest women (which paints women as villains) and it teaches young women to be ashamed of their bodies. Read that again. Not only are you making the woman the "bad guy" like I did when my boyfriend cheated on me instead of making him take responsibility for his actions but you're also teaching young women to be ASHAMED of what GOD has created! 

You're setting your husband and your sons up for "Well, I couldn't help myself," if they actually act on their lustful urges instead of "Please forgive me for my wrongdoings," And you're teaching yourself and your daughters that if a man lusts after you that it is YOUR fault. It is YOUR fault that a man, knowing better, looked at you with a lustful spirit. And then begins a lifetime of self-shame and self-hatred. "Well, if I hadn't worn that shirt," or "If I hadn't worn my hair or makeup that way." Or when your husband cheats on you or your sons cheat on their wives, "Well, if she hadn't been dressed like that," or "She lured him in because of what she was wearing." A man with a poor moral compass will take that and run with it. Why wouldn't he? He's not responsible for his actions! He's not responsible for how that woman makes him feel because of the way SHE dressed! 

So you have your husband and sons covering their eyes and averting their gaze any time they see a beautiful woman. This will make it easy for you to see what kind of woman your husband thinks is beautiful because he surely can't look at the ground or cover his eyes at the sight of every woman. He'd run into things! He'd be a hazard to those around him! But then, once you're aware of the kind of woman that your husband averts his gaze from, you become jealous because he ISN'T looking at her! "If he isn't looking at her he must think she's prettier than me." And then continues the cycle of insecurity, jealous, and broken trust. 

Let's go back to what you're teaching your daughters...

God created her and every other woman, including you. He molded each and every woman carefully and with purpose. And every single woman on this Earth is beautiful. Maybe not all women meet society's standards of beautiful; I know I don't, but I, along with every other woman, am still beautiful because I was made in HIS image. How dare we teach women to be ashamed of the wonderful body that God gave her? A body that can grow, protect, and sustain life! I'm not saying that she should parade it around naked like Lady Godiva but she shouldn't have to cover up just because YOU cannot trust your husband not to look at her with lust in his heart. She should not have to feel ashamed just because someone else cannot control their flesh. 

This "rule" ties in with the movie thing. It's not about Biblical principles or making your marriage stronger, it's about control. If you have to control who your spouse talks to and who they even LOOK at, your marriage already has issues. If you have such little trust in each other that you have to control who your spouse lays their eyes on, then you should have thought a lot harder about getting married before you said "I Do." I would hate to know that my husband trusted me so little that he had to monitor every interaction I had. God doesn't want us to have marriages like that! He wants us to trust in each other and love each other unconditionally! If we spend all of our time monitoring our spouse to make sure they are following these or other rules, then we are not honoring our vows or God, and we are ruining the blessing of marriage that God has given us. Your turning your spouse into an opponent instead of working together. You're constantly waiting for the day when your spouse breaks one of those "rules". And for men, it'll be easy to say "Oops, not my fault." That's the only thing you really get out of this "rule". Your husband gets a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. 

The only "rules" for a successful, Biblical marriage are these: 
Put God First. 
Give him glory and thanks for what he has done in your life and in  your marriage. Obey God and be open to him so that he can lead you to the path he wants for you. Share your love for God with others! 
Honor Your Vows. 
Those vows were not just something pretty to be recited once and never revisited. They were promises; terms of a lifelong commitment to each other. Honor those vows every day of your marriage. 
Trust and Respect Each Other 
You cannot have a happy marriage without trust. You just can't. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise; it just won't work. You have to trust your spouse to honor their vows, to stay faithful to you, and to take care of your needs. Respect their need for things and people outside of you and your marriage. Yes, you are One but you are also still two individual people who have different interests and hobbies. You and your spouse should not feel obligated to spend all of your time with each other. 
Pray for Each Other and Pray Together. 
I've heard throughout my life that the family that prays together stays together. I believe this to be true. Pray earnestly for each other, especially when one or the other is struggling with something or is worried about something. Pray together often. Lay your troubles at God's feet. Ask God for guidance in your marriage and your married life. Pray for others together. 
Of course you can always add things in according to what state your marriage is in or what you are struggling with at the time but these three things are the absolute bones of a Biblical marriage. If you are unsure of whether something should or shouldn't be a rule in your marriage, pray about it. If your spouse has come up with a rule that you are uncomfortable with, pray about it and ask God for discernment to determine whether that rule is to help your marriage or to help your spouse control you because of their trust issues. Talk openly with your spouse about what you expect from them in your marriage in regards to their behavior towards others. 
Do you have rules like this in your marriage? If so, do you really think they help your marriage? Do you have issues trusting your spouse? What could your spouse do to help you resolve those issues? 

Leaving: Saying Good-bye to Your Parents!

LEAVING

So long, See ya later, Good-bye!

What picture comes to mind when you hear these words? Your mom standing on the doorstep with tears welling up in her eyes? Your dad giving you a big, strong hug before you leave? A newly married daughter waving out the window as she is leaving the church?

Although some "good-byes" can be very joyful, they are usually quite emotional. Particularly when it involves a mother and father letting go of their son or daughter.

God's Word presents clear and concise directions concerning leaving. These Bible study questions are designed to encourage you to consider how Biblical principles could have personal application to you in your marriage.

Mark 10:6-10 (The Message)
⁶  In the original creation, God made male and female to be together.
⁷  Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage
⁸  he becomes one flesh with a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity.
⁹  Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."
¹⁰  When they were back home, the disciples brought it up again.

Lets see if you can answer these questions as it relates to the Bible and your own marriage.

 1. Since when has "leaving" been part of God's design for marriage?

2. Why does the newly married couple need to leave their parents?

3. What did "leaving involve in your marriage?

4. If you had to leave all over again, what would you do differently?

In order to have a successful marriage a husband and wife has to LEAVE their father and mother and CLEAVE to each other. This is an important biblical principle that is left out of the pulpits in churches today that needs to be addressed. Once a couple is successful in doing this then and only then can the two become one flesh. 

We will more go more in-depth on the subject of cleaving in my next post

The Sanctity of Marriage: Part 2

The Sanctity of Marriage (continued)

Matthew 19:4-9

Christ said there is the creation of male and female: "God made them [Adam and Eve] male and female" (Matthew 19:4). He did not make them males and females, as He did animals, but He made one male and one female. Each one was made for the other. They were not made for anyone else, for there was no one else.

(19:5) Marriage— Divorce: Christ said there is the creation of a new family: "A man [shall] leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife" (Matthew 19:5). One man shall cleave to his wife and create a new family distinct from the family of his parents. He says a man, not men, and his wife, not wives. Note that a man leaves his father and mother. The union between husband and wife is to gain primacy over the union between parent and child. The union of cleaving is wrought by God and appointed by God. Therefore marriage is a divine institution. Just as parents and children are not to divorce one another, neither are the husband and wife to divorce each other.

Deeper thought

A Father, mother, and child comprise a unit, a family. However, Christ said father and mother are there when the child leaves. And the child (man) leaves to "cleave to his wife." There is no thought, not even a hint of separation in this statement. It is unquestionably a statement of God's purpose for father, mother, and child. The structure of the family is the means by which man is to carry out the purposes of God on earth. Divorce, tearing down the structure of the family, is not the purpose of God. The structure of a family—father, mother, and child—is the purpose of God.

(19:5-6) Marriage— Divorce: Christ said there is the creation of one body: "A man...shall cleave to his wife and they twain [two] shall be one flesh" (Matthew 19:5). There is the molding into one person. The man and the wife cleave to each other: "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh." What is it that makes them one flesh? Cleaving. They are one body, one flesh, one person. They are not joined to two or three or four other persons, but they cleave only to one other person.

Christ also says that a marriage joined together by Him is not to be destroyed by any man. "A man...shall cleave to his wife...wherefore [cleaving] they are no more twain, but one flesh [joined together by God]. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" (Matthew 19:5).

The points are clear.

1.  The cleaving husband and wife are joined together by God.

2.  No one is to cut asunder what God joins together. Neither the husband or wife nor anyone else is to step in between the two and cause separation.

Deeper thought

Note something of critical importance. By cleaving Christ does not mean what is often thought or pictured: cleaving does not mean taking hold of a wife by civil contract, embracing, or sexual union.

Note the words...

•  "cleaving"

•  "one flesh"

•  "what God hath joined together"

Spouses who are obedient to Christ by cleaving to each other—in all of their being and life, not only physically, but also spiritually—are the ones who become one flesh. They are the ones whom God joins together. A civil contract does not bind people together, neither does embracing and neither does sex. Only God can bind a couple together spiritually, and He does so because a couple is obedient to Him. He rewards and blesses obedience, not disobedience.

Note how the power of God is infused into a couple who obeys Him. He causes their cleaving to bind them so closely together they are as one person.

 (19:7-8) Marriage— Divorce: there is the ideal of permanence in marriage. The Pharisees had entrapped Jesus, or so they thought. Jesus had given four reasons why there was to be no divorce. He was standing against Moses. In their view Moses had given a commandment that allowed divorce (Matthew 19:7). Jesus says three things about the ideal of marriage.

1.  Moses made a concession.

2.  The reason: man's hard, sinful hearts.

3.  Divorce was never willed and was not the purpose of God.

Note three important facts.

1)  God's will for marriage was permanence. Divorce was permitted under Moses, but it was not God's will. It was sin, short of God's will and purpose.

2)  The cause for divorce is said to be hardness of heart—a very serious indictment.

3)  The union of marriage is not brought about by a natural law but by God. Marriage is not a law of nature, inherent within man. It is not something that operates by nature, that just happens because two people agree to live together and sign a civil contract. A true union or marriage that is joined together by God is a blessing, a gift of God. It is brought about because a couple is obedient to God. They live in and for each other under God (acknowledging God in all things), just as He says to live ("cleaving"). Therefore, God blesses them by joining them together in the most binding spiritual union.

It bears repeating: marriage is not a natural law; it is not a law of nature; it is a spiritual law that operates only if each spouse walks in the Spirit.

(19:9) Marriage— Divorce: there is the allowance for divorce—fornication. Christ says, "Whosoever puts away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another commiteth adultery...." (Matthew 19:9).

•  There is one clear reason for divorce: adultery.

Before Christ came into the world, adultery was punishable by death. Since Christ has come, the penalty has been changed. Divorce itself is to be the punishment, not death. (What an impact this change of law has made on societies in the past! How much it is needed in some parts of the world even today! Compassion is the answer to sin, not anger and wrath.)

Note the importance and high esteem that Christ places upon sex within marriage. It is so intimate and meaningful and important an experience that if it is violated, divorce is allowed. Note however: Christ did not say that divorce must take place. It is only allowed. If the couple has been living in Him and blessed by Him and the violated spouse cannot emotionally accept the unfaithfulness, divorce can take place. But if the offended spouse can forgive—if he or she can be emotionally controlled and forgiving enough to forgive—then the spouse should forgive.

The Sanctity of Marriage: Part 1

The questions regarding marriage and divorce are always burning questions; extremely controversial within societies heavily influence by Christian teaching. Opinions vary and interpretations differ. There is always the closed view that says divorce is never allowed by God no matter the cruelty and meanness that may exist. And there is always the more open view that says divorce is allowed if the rift between a couple is not reconciled and causes more damage than good. 

Christ gave guidelines concerning divorce. Some believe it to be the unpardonable sin and some use is as an escape rout to get out of a situation that may not be what they expected at the time of their marriage. 

Instead of focusing on the why and the what that caused such a serious decision to be made, let's focus on the people involved in this no-win situation. 

I believe that it is wrong not to face the issues of marriage and divorce, no matter the different opinions and practices of society. Why? 

There are always a large number of divorced people. Many of these people need help; desperately need help. Their faith, hope, security, children, and their whole lives have been drastically affected. If believers, God's people, do not open their hearts to them, then a great opportunity to reach out and help them grow in Christ is missed. 

Now that Christ did: He spoke up and taught about the issue and the issue was as controversial in His day as it has been in succeeding generations. 

The same two attitudes toward Christ prevail in every generation: there are those who sincerely seek the help of Christ; and then there are those who are always testing and questioning Him, stretching every inch they can out of the world and the flesh. They question and question, and by their questioning they are able to create uncertainty and doubt over right and wrong. They are able to live as they wish. 

Note the question asked, "Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?" The flesh says no matter how frivolous -- if there is displeasure, disgust, dislike -- then divorce is allowed. But is it? 

Read Part 2 Here

Linked up at Fellowship Friday

The 5 B's: A List To Help Strengthen Your Marriage

I have a terrible memory. Most days I walk into a room and can't remember what I was walking in there for. My forgetfulness has gotten so bad that my husband has suggested that I make lists for everything I do. If I write it down, then surely I can't forget it. Until I put the list down and then forget where I put it....

Lists are actually really helpful for a number of things in our lives. Marriage is one of those things. When we were writing our marriage vows, I made a list of all of the things that I loved about Billy and why I loved those things. I didn't really need a list to show myself how much I loved him but it helped me because I had all of the most important things all in front of me when I started writing. I have used this same idea to create a list of things I need to do in my marriage to keep it strong. 

Be Intimate

Some people get really excited at the word "intimate" while others shy away from it. Being intimate does not always mean having sex. You can be intimate with your spouse without sex. Some nights, after especially long days, I like to snuggle up next to Billy in our bed and just enjoy the feeling of being held in his arms. He's like a security blanket, sometimes. All I have to do is wrap myself up in him and I instantly feel better. He knows I'm tired, hurting, upset, etc., and I need the reassurance that even though everything else has gone wrong, he still loves me.

And sometimes being intimate does mean having sex. Paul mentions sex between husbands and wives in 1 Corinthians 7:3-7. He explains that husbands and wives should give to each other sexually and should not withhold sex from the other partner unless both partners have agreed. He also warns that you should not go so long without intimacy in your marriage that you allow the devil to step in and tempt you or your spouse. Husbands and wives should be intimate with one another because sex is a gift from God. It's another opportunity to show their love for one another in a way that is so private that no one else can see it. By continuing to have intimacy throughout your marriage, you are able to keep the devil from having a foothold and tempting you or your spouse with an option to get what you/they are not getting at home. 

"Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency"

 - 1 Corinthians 7:5 KJV

Be Supportive 

You should support your spouse in everything that they do. (Unless they're plotting to rob a bank. You probably shouldn't support that.) When you and your spouse get married you become each other's most important support system. You should be able to lean on each other and confide in each other. You should also lift each other up and encourage each other. When Billy makes decisions not just for us but for him, I try to make sure that he knows that I believe in him and I trust that his decision is the best one. Having confidence in your spouse, and showing them that you have confidence in them, can really lift their spirits and allow them to have more confidence in themselves.

Romans 8:31-32 poses the question, "If God is for us who can be against us?" and reminds us that God sacrificed his only son for us. These two versus can be applied (a smaller scale, of course) to marriage. If I am for Billy and we stand together, who can be against us? No one. That is because we are standing together as one flesh and we support each other in order to keep everything negative out. If you have a hard time supporting your spouse remember this; your spouse gave up their singular life in order to have a life with you. They sacrificed friends, family, dreams, and goals because they loved you so much that those things suddenly weren't as important anymore.

"What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?"
-Romans 8:31-32 KJV


Be Forgiving

This is one of the most important "B's". It is also sometimes one of the hardest. One of the biggest things I hear from my friends when it comes to relationships is their issues with forgiveness. It's really hard sometimes to forgive someone who has really hurt you, especially when that person is the person that you love the most. And the ONE person in this world who isn't supposed to hurt you. Unfortunately, because we're human and we're all ugly sinners, we do end up hurting the ones we love. Just as we hurt God when we sin.

It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be hurting, frustrated, upset, annoyed. It's okay to walk away from the situation for a minute to think about things and give yourself time to deal with your emotions. But, in order to have a happy, loving, successful marriage, you have to be able to forgive your spouse and yourself. A wise man tells me quite often that holding a grudge and not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The only person hurting is you. And if you're hurting, you can't move on. And if you can't move on, your marriage will never grow. It will become a stunted flower in the garden and eventually wilt away. By not forgiving someone our hearts eventually harden towards that person and we begin to treat them and our relationship with them a lot differently. Maybe even ending it all together. Do not let your marriage suffer over something that can be forgiven. And if you're having a hard time forgiving your spouse for something, be honest with them about it. Most importantly, pray. Ask God for help and guidance in how to forgive.

"Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." 
- Colossians 3:19 KJV

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
- Ephesians 4:32 KJV

Be Grateful

Realize how lucky you are to be married! Appreciate one another and the blessing that is your marriage! In Genesis 2:18, God said it was not good for man to be alone and he created woman to be a suitable helper for him. How amazing is that God created someone especially for you? How amazing is that he deemed you suitable just for your spouse? God is the ultimate matchmaker! Be grateful that he loves you so much that he took the time to create someone especially for you that would love you as he does. Proverbs 5:18-19 tells us to appreciate the time we have with our love while we have them.

Do not waste the time that you have together. You can't get it back, do it over, or ask for more when the time is up. When you're feeling cramped, smothered, and covered like a Waffle House hashbrown order, remember that God created you for your spouse and family and God blessed you with  your spouse and family. Psalms 68:6 tells us that God puts people together in families so that they are not alone. God wants us to be together and have families but you should be thankful and appreciative of your family or you could lose them.

"And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."
- Genesis 2:18 KJV

"Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
- Proverbs 5:18-19

"God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land."
- Psalms 68:6

Be Content

Life is not perfect. Things go wrong. There aren't enough hours in the day. There isn't enough money to be spread around. The kids are acting up. The house is a mess. Your favorite band is in town but you have to work that weekend. Life gets in the way of everything. It's very easy to let all of the negative things in life get you down. It's also very easy to let those negative things in life get in the way of taking care of your marriage. Instead of focusing on all the negative things in life, focus on the positive. You were late to work today? That really stinks. But you made it to work. You were able to get up this morning and go to work. Some people wish they could complain about being late for a job. Look on the positive side of things and learn how to be content in the place that you are right now.

Billy and I rent our home. We love our little house and our yard and the neighborhood we live in BUT we eventually want to own a home; once we figure out where we want to live permanently. Sometimes it gets frustrating because there are things we want to do with or in our home that we can't because we rent. Sometimes we wished we lived in a different part of town. But we are both learning that until we learn to be happy with what God has blessed us with now, we will be stuck where we are. Instead of complaining about things we can't do right now, we thank God for our little house and our wonderful landlord and we put those things we want to do on a list for the future. We have to be happy where we are right now in our life in order to grow our marriage and make a better future for us and our children.

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
- Philippians 4:11




Do you practice The 5 B's or something similar? What do you struggle with the most? How can you and your spouse help each other to practice something like The 5 B's?