Before Billy and I started dating, I was in a relationship that ran hot and cold every time the wind blew a different direction. We were madly in love, or so I thought, but there was also an issue of distance so I used that as the excuse for all the arguments we had. Clearly it was only because we couldn't see each other all the time and we were just frustrated about being so far away. Yeah....okay....
A year into our roller coaster of a relationship I happened to pick up his phone one day to make a phone call because my phone was dead. When I picked up his phone a text message popped up from a girl and thanks to smart phones everywhere part of the message scrolled across his screen. She couldn't wait to be in his arms again. I was heartbroken. But because I couldn't let well enough alone I opened up his text messages. And broke my own heart even more. There were several messages to several different girls and the girl who couldn't wait to see him was a girl that we had already fought over. Publicly. He had promised me that there was nothing going on and I believed him. I felt so humiliated that she and her friends, and some of his friends as well, knew he was lying and I played the part of the fool so well. The last message he sent her was sent while I was lying next to him on the couch the night before. He told her he missed her terribly and couldn't wait to be in her arms again.
I confronted him and tried to end things and that is when he began to profusely apologize.
And like an idiot, I believed him. We had already been through so much together and I know that there are girls out there who prey on men who are hurting and lonely. It was HER fault. She was conniving and messy and needed to get a man of her own! Because he's not guilty at all, right? Over the next few days before he left to go back home I checked his phone constantly. But never where he could see me. I wanted him to think I still trusted him. I went through his texts, his phone history, his Facebook (I later found out he actually had a second Facebook account that he had blocked me from seeing.), and any other social media profile I could think of that he had. Nothing. No messages. No girls. And then he went home and put hundreds of miles of distance between us. And that's when I allowed all of that hurt and anger and humiliation to turn me into a horrible person.
I cheated, too.
I thought I would feel vindicated and justified by what I did. If he had no problem hurting me then I could hurt him, too. Only I didn't hurt him. I continued to hurt myself. And I sent myself further and further away from God until I could no longer feel God's presence in my life. But how did I get to that point? How did this relationship that started out so wonderful end in so much hurt and anger?
The biggest reason is because we weren't living our lives for God.
The other reason is because we did not trust and respect each other.
This brings me to a trend I have noticed promoted by Christian couples, blogs, churches, and even people in my own life who have set "rules" for their marriages that make me uneasy and a little bit sad. Especially since these rules are passed off as requirements for a Biblical marriage.
*And I do not ever claim to know everything about the Bible or how to have a Biblical marriage and if someone can't point out these things that I'm about to discuss in Scripture, I will amend this post.*
These rules include things such as knowing all of the passwords to your spouse's e-mail and social media accounts, keeping a certain distance between you and a person of the opposite sex, refraining from having too many persons of the opposite sex on your friends list on social media, limiting Facebook messages or not even using Facebook messenger at all, not watching movies that have men pulling their shirts off, and my personal favorite, avoiding crowded beaches.
All of things are promoted as ways to keep your marriage strong and to keep the Devil from sneaking in and stealing away your spouse to a life of sin. And I think some people follow those rules because they are well-meaning and are trying to be diligent in keeping their marriage strong. But here lies the problem with these things; they're not Biblical, they show that you don't trust each other, and they create a channel of control to wield over each other.
Knowing the Passwords or Sharing Social Media Accounts
I'm actually on the fence about this one. This is something that Billy and I have actually struggled with in our own marriage. When we first got together I was still hurting emotionally from the previous relationship and I was insecure about my relationship with Billy. I loved him so much and I didn't want to lose him but I couldn't get the past out of my head. I was making my darling husband pay for some other man's mistakes. While I was trying to keep our relationship together, I was unknowingly tearing it apart because I was showing Billy that I didn't trust him. And that I didn't respect his privacy. I could have lost my relationship with my husband because I was so worried about who he was talking to and what they were talking about instead of showing my love for him.
But it is something I'm on the fence about because the argument goes something like this: "If you're not doing anything wrong, then you have nothing to hide." and the counter argument to that is: "If you really trusted me then you wouldn't need to see every thing I'm doing when you're not around." I personally feel like this whole situation just sets you up for trouble. You and your husband should have a conversation about social media. You should lay out what you expect from your partner as far as behavior on social media and you should always, always, always remember that no matter what you post, because you are now One, it will reflect on the other. Be respectful of what you post and how you post it.
Keeping A Certain Distance from Persons of the Opposite Sex
This makes sense. Until I started reading the guidelines for this rule on several different blogs. It isn't just keeping a certain distance. Part of the rule is you should also talk as quickly as you can as little as possible to people of the opposite sex. Take care of whatever business it is you have with the person of the opposite sex and then immediately stick your head back up your spouse's rear. Or at least that's how it came across to me. Keeping a safe distance from someone of the opposite sex does cut down on the possibility for someone to say that you were being improper. Hurriedly talking to someone of the opposite sex and then removing yourself from their presences as quickly as you can solely because they are of the opposite gender just makes you rude. Rude. That's the only way I can take this. It should not matter one bit whether you are talking to someone of the opposite sex as long as you are not talking to them about something that is inappropriate.
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that a married person cannot speak to a person of the opposite gender just because they are the opposite gender. Anyone who says differently should be ashamed because it's not true and they are using it as a way to control who their spouse talks to. Some of my best friends in this world are men and I thank God that he placed them in my life. Billy has several friends who are women. Once upon a time, I wasn't so trusting of those women, but it was because I was insecure of myself. Not because of anything Billy or those women had done. Now, I don't even think twice about it because I trust Billy with everything in me.
What if you missed out on witnessing to someone about God because you were in such a hurry to "take care of business" and end your conversation all because they were the opposite sex?
Facebook Messages
Oh Mylanta, Facebook! I've come to the conclusion that Facebook is a double-edged sword. I love being able to keep in touch with family and friends who live out of town, see pictures of my friends beautiful kids, and to be able to share things with friends. But Facebook can create problems. Facebook can often times cause people to try and create lives that they don't really lead. It can allow them to make their lives seem better than they really are. And it can give validation to lonely, hurting spouses that there are still people out there in this world that are interested in them or think they still have value. This goes back to my earlier statement about social media passwords. You should not be checking up on your spouse's messages and/or comments. You have to trust your spouse that they are not doing anything wrong. Checking their messages immediately sends them the message that you do not trust them and eventually they will get into the mindset of: "Well, since I'm being accused of it, I might as well....".
Your setting yourself and your marriage up for failure.
Not Watching Movies With Shirtless Men and Scantily Clad Women
I personally feel like this really falls under personal preference. But I do not think it should be a rule in your marriage that you do not allow your husband to watch The Avengers because David Banner loses his shirt somewhere along the way. The same goes with movies that have women wearing bathing suits, skimpy outfits, etc. If you don't want to watch a movie with that in it, then don't. But do not guilt your spouse into not watching something because you are insecure about them seeing another person's body. And don't pass it off with every controlling Christian's favorite passage about looking on another person with lust because there's a very important part of that passage that gets left out when someone tries to use it to control another person's actions. And this, my friends, is not about making your marriage strong, it is about how to control the other person in the marriage.
And last but not least, the one that bugs me the most:
Avoiding Crowded Beaches (Or Anywhere That Women May Be Dressed Immodestly)
This "rule" is backed up using this scripture from Matthew 5:28:
"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
This is the verse I was referencing in the passage above. I've heard so many people say, "If a man looks at another woman then he's committed adultery. Says so right in the Bible."
No. No, it doesn't. That's not even close to what is says because people quoting it decided to leave something out in order to fit their own agenda. This passage in Matthew says that if a man looks at another woman to lust after her then he is committing adultery. This does not mean that if a man looks at another woman across the room that he has committed adultery. This does not mean that if a man sees a woman in her bathing suit that he has committed adultery. It means that if a man looks at another woman and thinks to himself, "Shoot, I'd like to have a piece of that pie!", he has committed adultery.
The fact that people practice this in their marriage and teach this practice to their children really breaks my heart.
It's not Biblical.
It teaches young men that they have no control over their lustful urges because of immodest women (which paints women as villains) and it teaches young women to be ashamed of their bodies. Read that again. Not only are you making the woman the "bad guy" like I did when my boyfriend cheated on me instead of making him take responsibility for his actions but you're also teaching young women to be ASHAMED of what GOD has created!
You're setting your husband and your sons up for "Well, I couldn't help myself," if they actually act on their lustful urges instead of "Please forgive me for my wrongdoings," And you're teaching yourself and your daughters that if a man lusts after you that it is YOUR fault. It is YOUR fault that a man, knowing better, looked at you with a lustful spirit. And then begins a lifetime of self-shame and self-hatred. "Well, if I hadn't worn that shirt," or "If I hadn't worn my hair or makeup that way." Or when your husband cheats on you or your sons cheat on their wives, "Well, if she hadn't been dressed like that," or "She lured him in because of what she was wearing." A man with a poor moral compass will take that and run with it. Why wouldn't he? He's not responsible for his actions! He's not responsible for how that woman makes him feel because of the way SHE dressed!
So you have your husband and sons covering their eyes and averting their gaze any time they see a beautiful woman. This will make it easy for you to see what kind of woman your husband thinks is beautiful because he surely can't look at the ground or cover his eyes at the sight of every woman. He'd run into things! He'd be a hazard to those around him! But then, once you're aware of the kind of woman that your husband averts his gaze from, you become jealous because he ISN'T looking at her! "If he isn't looking at her he must think she's prettier than me." And then continues the cycle of insecurity, jealous, and broken trust.
Let's go back to what you're teaching your daughters...
God created her and every other woman, including you. He molded each and every woman carefully and with purpose. And every single woman on this Earth is beautiful. Maybe not all women meet society's standards of beautiful; I know I don't, but I, along with every other woman, am still beautiful because I was made in HIS image. How dare we teach women to be ashamed of the wonderful body that God gave her? A body that can grow, protect, and sustain life! I'm not saying that she should parade it around naked like Lady Godiva but she shouldn't have to cover up just because YOU cannot trust your husband not to look at her with lust in his heart. She should not have to feel ashamed just because someone else cannot control their flesh.
This "rule" ties in with the movie thing. It's not about Biblical principles or making your marriage stronger, it's about control. If you have to control who your spouse talks to and who they even LOOK at, your marriage already has issues. If you have such little trust in each other that you have to control who your spouse lays their eyes on, then you should have thought a lot harder about getting married before you said "I Do." I would hate to know that my husband trusted me so little that he had to monitor every interaction I had. God doesn't want us to have marriages like that! He wants us to trust in each other and love each other unconditionally! If we spend all of our time monitoring our spouse to make sure they are following these or other rules, then we are not honoring our vows or God, and we are ruining the blessing of marriage that God has given us. Your turning your spouse into an opponent instead of working together. You're constantly waiting for the day when your spouse breaks one of those "rules". And for men, it'll be easy to say "Oops, not my fault." That's the only thing you really get out of this "rule". Your husband gets a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
The only "rules" for a successful, Biblical marriage are these:
Put God First.
Give him glory and thanks for what he has done in your life and in your marriage. Obey God and be open to him so that he can lead you to the path he wants for you. Share your love for God with others!
Honor Your Vows.
Those vows were not just something pretty to be recited once and never revisited. They were promises; terms of a lifelong commitment to each other. Honor those vows every day of your marriage.
Trust and Respect Each Other
You cannot have a happy marriage without trust. You just can't. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise; it just won't work. You have to trust your spouse to honor their vows, to stay faithful to you, and to take care of your needs. Respect their need for things and people outside of you and your marriage. Yes, you are One but you are also still two individual people who have different interests and hobbies. You and your spouse should not feel obligated to spend all of your time with each other.
Pray for Each Other and Pray Together.
I've heard throughout my life that the family that prays together stays together. I believe this to be true. Pray earnestly for each other, especially when one or the other is struggling with something or is worried about something. Pray together often. Lay your troubles at God's feet. Ask God for guidance in your marriage and your married life. Pray for others together.
Of course you can always add things in according to what state your marriage is in or what you are struggling with at the time but these three things are the absolute bones of a Biblical marriage. If you are unsure of whether something should or shouldn't be a rule in your marriage, pray about it. If your spouse has come up with a rule that you are uncomfortable with, pray about it and ask God for discernment to determine whether that rule is to help your marriage or to help your spouse control you because of their trust issues. Talk openly with your spouse about what you expect from them in your marriage in regards to their behavior towards others.
Do you have rules like this in your marriage? If so, do you really think they help your marriage? Do you have issues trusting your spouse? What could your spouse do to help you resolve those issues?
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