How To Love A Spouse Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted

When Billy and I first decided to start this blog, I asked him how much of our lives he was willing to share because I knew going into this that there would be someone in our personal lives who would get upset over things (and it did happen) we discussed here on the blog. He and I both agreed that in order to witness to others and be taken seriously, we were both going to have to be open and honest with our readers. Of course we aren't going to tell you every detail of our lives but we are going to share personal moments, even if some of those moments were really hard for us to deal with. That being said, today's post will be a little different than Biblical expectations of husband and wife. And Billy may not be too happy with me that I post this here because he's tired of hearing about the Duggar scandal BUT I feel like this is a very important message that someone somewhere needs to read. 
Most people know at least a tidbit of information about the Josh Duggar scandal at this point. It's been something that has kept me physically sick since I started reading it. Not just because of what he did and how his parents handled it but because of so many people defending him and brushing off his actions as a "child who didn't know any better." This post isn't to debate any of his defenders and those who idolize the Duggars, but this whole situation is what inspired this post. Those girls that he victimized will grow up to be women who someday may or may not get married. Those poor girls are going to have issues, even on a small scale, the majority of their lives. And I can say that because I know personally the effects of being sexually assaulted. Whomever they marry will have to be understanding, patient men. This post is sort of a guide of how to love a spouse who has been sexually assaulted. 
Here is my story so that you understand why I feel even the least bit qualified to write this post. Please understand that I am not trying to cause hurt for anyone in my life or anyone in my past by anything that I post. I have been able to forgive and move on with my life but the things that happened have affected how I lived my young adult life and my relationship with my husband. 
I am a victim of sexual assault. It happened more than once in my life and the first instance happened when I was 6 at the hands of my own best friend. We weren't children exploring our bodies. She was doing to me the things someone in her family was doing to her. Two different boyfriends in high school physical abused me in response to the word "No". One of those instances happened at school and when reported to the PE coach, I was the one was at fault because I stepped outside the gym door and into the hallway where my boyfriend was. When I was 16, my youth pastor continuously made passes at me, and then put his hands on me, and once the pastor of the church was confronted about it I was again told that it was MY fault. At twenty I was raped by someone I had foolishly put my trust in. And he blamed me for what he did. It was MY fault he couldn't control himself. 
By the time I met Billy I was a very broken-hearted person. I'd learned from my time in church being around "good Christian folk" that women like me were disgusting and basically worthless. No self-respecting "man of God" would ever want "damaged goods". I was taught by elders in church to be ashamed of myself and my body and that if I ALLOWED something like that to happen to me then I was pretty much asking for it. I was also taught that you didn't talk about what happened to you because it was vile and disgusting and it was personal business that no one needed to know about. I was scared to tell my parents because my mother had been through enough of her own sexual trauma as a child and I didn't want her to have to suffer through it again. I didn't want to tell my daddy because I didn't want my daddy to look at me with disappointment in his eyes because his daughter was no longer pure and innocent; a fear that wasn't instilled in me by my father but by "good Christians.". I held it all in and didn't talk to anyone about it and allowed the shame and fear and disgusted to consume my life so much that I turned my back on God and basically lost my mind. I was spiraling out of control and flying towards the gates of hell faster than jet plane because I just gave up on life. I didn't care anymore what was right and was wrong and what God or anyone else thought of me because I'd let all of those messages that people give girls who've been in my position get into my head and convince me that I wasn't worthy of love. 
Thanks to Billy and a lot of prayer and crying and screaming to God, I've learned that those things that happened to me didn't make me "damaged goods". I wasn't worthless and unworthy of love and devotion from another person. I wasn't vile and disgusting. I was a woman who people with evil in their heart had taken advantage of to satisfy their own sinful needs. God wasn't punishing me for something I'd done by allowing these things to happen. And I could still have an amazing life filled with love and joy. 
Don't tell a victim that they should have done something "differently". 
Someone who has been sexually assaulted has already played the scenario over and over and over and over and over again in their own heads. They do not need to hear "Well, if you hadn't done this" or "maybe you should have done this". They already KNOW and already BLAME themselves for doing/not doing something. 
Don't ask for details 
Unless you are a law enforcement officer or a licensed counselor, you should not be asking for details about what happened. If your spouse opens up to you and tells you the details, that's fine. That's their choice. Do not ask them to relive every moment over by asking for details. 
If you and your spouse are about to or are having sex and they ask you to stop, then stop. No questions asked. 
This should be a given anyway for any relationship but if you know your spouse has been through some sort of sexual trauma and they ask you to stop, then stop immediately. Sometimes little things trigger memories and sometimes a person just needs to take a step back and take a breath and let it pass. 
Don't treat them as if they're broken
Don't treat your spouse like they're made of porcelain. Don't go out of your way to do extra things for them or help them avoid certain situations just because of what happened to them. By doing so you rob them of the opportunity of living a normal life where their past isn't the focus of their lives. You keep the memories alive by treating them differently because of what happened. 
Listen
Don't talk. Don't ask questions. Just listen. Let your spouse get all of the hurt out first. And then you talk. 
Be patient
Things like this can be incredibly difficult to open up about, especially to someone that you want to love you. Be patient with your spouse if they're not ready to talk. I developed severe OCD and panic attacks from talking about what happened to me. I also became somewhat of a recluse because I couldn't handle being around people. Once Billy sat down with me and let me start trying to talk everything out, I started to feel better. I still have some bad days but I'm a thousand times better than I was thanks to my loving husband. 
Pray with your spouse 
Having Billy pray with me sometimes gives me the extra I need to ask something from God. Sometimes talking to God by yourself can be hard so having someone else standing with you in your corner, gives you the ability to lay everything at God's feet. 
Be supportive
This is another that should go with any relationship but you should be supportive of a spouse dealing with something like this. If they are going to counseling or therapy, offer to go with them. If they ask for some time alone, give it to them. If they ask for cuddles on the couch, cuddle them. Sometimes just knowing that they're no longer having to go through their issues alone is enough. 
Love unconditionally
Love your spouse no matter what they've been through. Do not judge or blame them for what happened to them. Teach them how to love themselves unconditionally and always remind them that you love them for who they are. Remind them that your love sees past physical and emotional scars. 
Show them that not all Christians blame the victims
Please do not be one of those people who teaches a girl to be quiet and to be ashamed of herself because of what someone else did to her. Please do not be one of those Christians who blames teenage hormones or a man's lust on his actions. Do not let your spouse think that all Christians believe you are "damaged goods" if you have been a victim of sexual assault. Do not let your spouse believe that the house of God is not a place for them. 
God isn't a God of hatred and heartbreak. He doesn't want us to feel ashamed and lonely and unworthy. He wants us to turn to him in our time of need instead of away from him. He wants to be our comforter and our protector He also wants us to be able to have a happy and healthy relationships with our spouses. This can't happen if we're still hanging on to things that happened to us in our past. This is why loving a spouse who has been sexually assaulted is so important. You are part of God's plan to help heal your loved one. 
Below are some links to resources for survivors of sexual abuse: 
The Joyful Heart Foundation iSurvive.org The Pixel Project Survivor Today

Be A Beautiful Wife Inside AND Out

Things have been a little silent here and that's my fault. I told Billy that I had a post planned and so he's been waiting on me to do this post. But I fought myself and God, trying to figure out a way out of this post. And it's silly because at this point in my life and my relationship with God, I already know that fighting him isn't going to help me in any way. And it's not going to make me feel any better. 

This is going to be a post about being a beautiful wife, inside AND out. Why would I try to talk myself out of writing this post? Because I don't always practice what I'm about to "preach".  Being a beautiful wife for your husband is a very important part of having a successful marriage. 

Wait...WHAT? 

Before anyone starts hurling out statements about how the outward appearance shouldn't matter and "Well, the Bible says outward beauty isn't important".....hear me out. And then you can say whatever you want. 

As a wife you are an extension of your husband. Anything that you do reflects back on him just as everything we do as Christians reflects back on God. @WeDoForever {tweet this}

Being a beautiful wife isn't just about outward appearance, although that will be part of this post. Being a beautiful wife also means being beautiful on the inside, where it counts the most. As a wife you are an extension of your husband. Anything that you do reflects back on him just as everything we do as Christians reflects back on God. If you do something negative or something that others view in a negative light, it will reflect back on your husband and it will also hinder your opportunity to guide others to a relationship with God. 

This is something that I struggle with; not as much as I used to, but it is still a struggle. I had to learn early in our marriage how to gracefully handle people who wanted to come in between Billy and I instead of lashing out or causing a scene. I was 23 when Billy and I got married and was very hot-headed. Especially when it came to someone intentionally hurting the feelings of someone I cared about. And I had to learn how to curb my tongue and think before I started speaking so that I did not say something I would regret or say something to embarrass my sweet husband. These days I try as hard as I can to avoid people in our lives that I know are going to upset me but if I have to interact with these people I keep things as cordial as possible and then instead of lashing out, I pray for God to help me have peace with the things these people say and do and I pray for them that God will work in their hearts and in their lives to change whatever makes them so spiteful, hateful, and just down right mean. I do not engage in confrontational conversations or let them bait me into anything because I do not want my behavior to reflect poorly on Billy. 

When it comes to other people, I am learning to be more compassionate and caring of others not just because I want to be a good representation of my husband but also because I want others to see God's love in me. When I interact with people, I want them to feel God's love emanating from me so that it causes a hunger in them for God's word. I do not want to be the type of person that is Christian in name only. And as someone who has severe social anxieties, it is something I must work harder and harder at every day. 

But what does this have to do with being beautiful? 

Everything. It has everything to do with being beautiful, with being a beautiful wife. You want your soul to be the most beautiful thing that other people see; especially your husband. He's the one who fell in love with you after all! You want a compassionate, caring, considerate soul and a desire to serve your husband as his wife. Your inner beauty is what shines through to make your outer beauty that much more breath-taking! 

Speaking of outer beauty.....is physical beauty really all that important? 

Yes and no. 

There are several passages in the Bible that talk about the outward appearance and how the focus should be on the inward appearance instead. (1 Peter 3:3-4, 1 Samuel 16:7, John 7:24, 2 Corinthians 4:16). But do these passages mean that God does not want us to pay any attention to our outward appearance? I don't think so. While focus on inner beauty and your connection with God is far more important, outward beauty is still something to be addressed. We are made in God's image. That statement right there means we are already beautiful! But, if we are made in God's image, should we not take care to preserve this image? 

Part of our human, sinful nature is to be attracted by beautiful things. I do not believe that the serpent in the Garden was just your average run of the mill grass snake. I believe he was a beautiful awe-inspiring creature that captivated Eve's attraction to beautiful things. Our eyes naturally gravitate to things that are pretty. And at some point you attracted your husband's eye with your outward beauty. Your outward beauty is what drew him in and gave him the desire to know your inner beauty. So many times, myself included in this, women get married and have kids and lose themselves in the care-taking of everyone else in the home. It becomes second nature to put yourself last and neglect your outward appearance. That's not fair to you or your husband. You deserve to feel beautiful and your husband deserves to keep that beautiful wife he fell in love with. And if your husband is anything like mine, he probably tells you that it doesn't matter if you're bald-headed and wearing a potato sack; he'd still love you. And that's amazing! But as a woman I know sometimes it's not what you want to hear. 

Taking care of your appearance not only shows that you care about yourself but also about your husband. Just as you deserve a husband that you can be proud of inside and out, your husband deserves to have a wife he is proud of inside and out. You are also teaching your children that while it is important to help others and take care of those you love, it is also important to take care of yourself. If you're feeling down about yourself, it will show in your attitude and how you interact with others. If you're feeling low, how do you expect others to believe you when you talk about the joy of God's love for them? If you look rundown and unkempt, your message may be hindered. how can you tell someone that God is doing amazing things in your life and has given you a wonderful life if you can't also show them? Unfortunately, there are a lot of "Doubting Thomases" in this world who have to see in order to believe. 

By being a beautiful person inside and out, you can inspire others, including your husband and children, to do the same. Outward beauty is in the eye of the beholder so my standard of beauty and your's may not be the same thing, but that's okay! I feel like I a completely new person when I get my hair done. It changes my entire mood and I feel more confident and ready to take on the world. When I paint my nails a strong, bold color, I feel more powerful. When I look nice outwardly, my social anxieties are not as prominent. I feel confident in myself and I hold my head high, ready to strike up a conversation with anyone who walks by. I've "let myself go" so to speak since having a child and being married and being a stay-at-home parent. Sweat pants are more comfortable. Ponytails are more manageable. Why should I wear makeup when I'm just hanging out a home? I'm just running to the grocery store so I won't worry about fixing my hair or changing my stained t-shirt. So I go out looking like a rundown, frazzled mommy instead of a proud mother and wife and people see it in my appearance. And then instead of being able to witness to people, I get sympathetic looks of "Bless her heart," or "Does she get dressed in the dark?" And I know that because I've thought the same thing of other women I've seen who have "let themselves go." 

One of the most common things I hear from men and women I know who have had issues with infidelity in their relationships is that they no longer found their partner attractive. Their partner stopped taking care of their hair, gained a lot of weight, became a slob, etc. While there is no excuse for infidelity, no matter the circumstance, I can understand how a person gets to the top of that slippery slope. When the person you've been so attracted to becomes a person (outwardly) that you hardly recognize, it can take a toll on your relationship and your marriage. 

I'm not telling you to become a vain person and only focus on your outward appearance or that your outward appearance is the most important thing, but you should be diligent about maintaining a nice appearance for several reasons. It shows that you are proud of yourself and proud of being your husband's wife, it helps your inner light for God shine even brighter, and it shows that you are proud of being made in God's image. 

What steps do you take to maintain your inner and outer beauty? Do you feel more confident when you take care of your outward appearance? What do you struggle with more, maintaining your inner beauty or your outer beauty? 

"Til death do us part"...It is not a cliche'

"Til death do us part"...

It is not a cliche'

The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. A successful marriage does not just happen. It takes alot of hard work...and commitment.

It is not uncommon to discover that while one spouse has struggled with leaving, the other spouse may find it difficult to cleave. And certain challenges may emerge at different stages in a marriage.

Here is the key passage on marriage in the Bible: 

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 

Genesis 2:24 (KJV)

Let us learn what the word "cleave" means in the Hebrew language:
To cling
to follow hard
stick together
to abide
to adhere

This reminds me of the first time I used Krazy Glue. My mother told me not to get it on my hands but being the stubborn, hard headed child that I was mixed with a bit of curiosity did not listen to her heeding. I spent a few hours and a lot of pain trying to separate my thumb and forefinger from each other.

The word cleave in this context literally means to stick together but not temporarily...permanently like gluing two broken pieces to make one.

So why is divorce so prevalent in today's society? I believe it is because of two problems: one or both of the couple never really left and one or both of the couples never cleft. You MUST do BOTH to have a successful marriage.

In closing I would like to leave you with 7 ways to help a couple to be successful in cleaving to one another:

1. Make a commitment to one another for life. Agree that divorce is not an acceptable option and choose to work out disagreements and difficult situations.

2. Reserve the expression of your sexuality only within your marriage. Don't go looking for new and exciting, make your own new and exciting.

3. Be content with what you have and do not try to live above what you can afford. Most marriages end over two things and one of them is MONEY. Don't take on more debt than you can afford and quit trying to keep up with the Joneses. They are not as happy as they appear.

4. Make an effort to prevent other people, activities, or responsibilities from infringing on time spent with one another. This can be a difficult one because today most couples both have to work to make ends meet but make time for your spouse and family. Don't look for reasons to be away from them.

5. Forgive one another before walls are built between you. Be honest with your spouse. If your spouse has hurt you in the past, forgive then MOVE ON. You can not move on holding in past hurts and holding grudges. It is impossible. When your spouse confides in you about past hurts or situations, don't go blab them to your girlfriends (or guy friends). Listen to them, thank them for trusting you and let them know you do not judge them for past mistakes.

6. Do not seek revenge from past hurts to retaliate against your spouse. I hate to bust your bubbles but EVERY couple is going to have a disagreement or an argument during there marriage. Tiffany and I have a rule that we try to adhere to but sometimes it is difficult. Anything that has happened 24 hours ago is of limits in any argument or disagreement. This rule helps not bring up past hurts because as you know words hurt worse than physical attacks because you can not take them back after you say them.

7. Last but not least, put God first in your marriage. God should be your highest goal to reach as a couple. How do you do this? You have to love God more than your spouse, more than your parents, even more than your children. This is hard for some but you also have to love God more than money. The Bible tells us that the love of money is the root of all evil, not money is the root of all evil. You have to have money but don't let money have you!

Today is the day to change the direction of your marriage if it heading in the wrong direction. Recommit yourself to your spouse. Rebuild a lasting love relationship with your spouse. Most of all start putting God first in your marriage and you will see a huge difference in how your relationship will grow into the beautiful union that God intended.

This post is linked up on Fellowship Friday and The Weekend Brew! Click on over to discover more enriching Christian posts!

Do Your "Rules" of Marriage Show A Lack of Trust?

Before Billy and I started dating, I was in a relationship that ran hot and cold every time the wind blew a different direction. We were madly in love, or so I thought, but there was also an issue of distance so I used that as the excuse for all the arguments we had. Clearly it was only because we couldn't see each other all the time and we were just frustrated about being so far away. Yeah....okay.... 
A year into our roller coaster of a relationship I happened to pick up his phone one day to make a phone call because my phone was dead. When I picked up his phone a text message popped up from a girl and thanks to smart phones everywhere part of the message scrolled across his screen. She couldn't wait to be in his arms again. I was heartbroken. But because I couldn't let well enough alone I opened up his text messages. And broke my own heart even more. There were several messages to several different girls and the girl who couldn't wait to see him was a girl that we had already fought over. Publicly. He had promised me that there was nothing going on and I believed him. I felt so humiliated that she and her friends, and some of his friends as well, knew he was lying and I played the part of the fool so well. The last message he sent her was sent while I was lying next to him on the couch the night before. He told her he missed her terribly and couldn't wait to be in her arms again. 
I confronted him and tried to end things and that is when he began to profusely apologize.

And like an idiot, I believed him. We had already been through so much together and I know that there are girls out there who prey on men who are hurting and lonely. It was HER fault. She was conniving and messy and needed to get a man of her own! Because he's not guilty at all, right? Over the next few days before he left to go back home I checked his phone constantly. But never where he could see me. I wanted him to think I still trusted him. I went through his texts, his phone history, his Facebook (I later found out he actually had a second Facebook account that he had blocked me from seeing.), and any other social media profile I could think of that he had. Nothing. No messages. No girls. And then he went home and put hundreds of miles of distance between us. And that's when I allowed all of that hurt and anger and humiliation to turn me into a horrible person. 
I cheated, too. 
I thought I would feel vindicated and justified by what I did. If he had no problem hurting me then I could hurt him, too. Only I didn't hurt him. I continued to hurt myself. And I sent myself further and further away from God until I could no longer feel God's presence in my life. But how did I get to that point? How did this relationship that started out so wonderful end in so much hurt and anger? 
The biggest reason is because we weren't living our lives for God.  The other reason is because we did not trust and respect each other. 
This brings me to a trend I have noticed promoted by Christian couples, blogs, churches, and even people in my own life who have set "rules" for their marriages that make me uneasy and a little bit sad. Especially since these rules are passed off as requirements for a Biblical marriage. 
*And I do not ever claim to know everything about the Bible or how to have a Biblical marriage and if someone can't point out these things that I'm about to discuss in Scripture, I will amend this post.*
These rules include things such as knowing all of the passwords to your spouse's e-mail and social media accounts, keeping a certain distance between you and a person of the opposite sex, refraining from having too many persons of the opposite sex on your friends list on social media, limiting Facebook messages or not even using Facebook messenger at all, not watching movies that have men pulling their shirts off, and my personal favorite, avoiding crowded beaches. 
All of things are promoted as ways to keep your marriage strong and to keep the Devil from sneaking in and stealing away your spouse to a life of sin. And I think some people follow those rules because they are well-meaning and are trying to be diligent in keeping their marriage strong. But here lies the problem with these things; they're not Biblical, they show that you don't trust each other, and they create a channel of control to wield over each other. 

Knowing the Passwords or Sharing Social Media Accounts 

I'm actually on the fence about this one. This is something that Billy and I have actually struggled with in our own marriage. When we first got together I was still hurting emotionally from the previous relationship and I was insecure about my relationship with Billy. I loved him so much and I didn't want to lose him but I couldn't get the past out of my head. I was making my darling husband pay for some other man's mistakes. While I was trying to keep our relationship together, I was unknowingly tearing it apart because I was showing Billy that I didn't trust him. And that I didn't respect his privacy. I could have lost my relationship with my husband because I was so worried about who he was talking to and what they were talking about instead of showing my love for him. 

But it is something I'm on the fence about because the argument goes something like this: "If you're not doing anything wrong, then you have nothing to hide."  and the counter argument to that is: "If you really trusted me then you wouldn't need to see every thing I'm doing when you're not around." I personally feel like this whole situation just sets you up for trouble. You and your husband  should have a conversation about social media. You should lay out what you expect from your partner as far as behavior on social media and you should always, always, always remember that no matter what you post, because you are now One, it will reflect on the other. Be respectful of what you post and how you post it. 

Keeping A Certain Distance from Persons of the Opposite Sex 

This makes sense. Until I started reading the guidelines for this rule on several different blogs. It isn't just keeping a certain distance. Part of the rule is you should also talk as quickly as you can as little as possible to people of the opposite sex. Take care of whatever business it is you have with the person of the opposite sex and then immediately stick your head back up your spouse's rear. Or at least that's how it came across to me. Keeping a safe distance from someone of the opposite sex does cut down on the possibility for someone to say that you were being improper. Hurriedly talking to someone of the opposite sex and then removing yourself from their presences as quickly as you can solely because they are of the opposite gender just makes you rude. Rude. That's the only way I can take this. It should not matter one bit whether you are talking to someone of the opposite sex as long as you are not talking to them about something that is inappropriate. 
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that a married person cannot speak to a person of the opposite gender just because they are the opposite gender. Anyone who says differently should be ashamed because it's not true and they are using it as a way to control who their spouse talks to. Some of my best friends in this world are men and I thank God that he placed them in my life. Billy has several friends who are women. Once upon a time, I wasn't so trusting of those women, but it was because I was insecure of myself. Not because of anything Billy or those women had done. Now, I don't even think twice about it because I trust Billy with everything in me. 
What if you missed out on witnessing to someone about God because you were in such a hurry to "take care of business" and end your conversation all because they were the opposite sex? 
Facebook Messages
Oh Mylanta, Facebook! I've come to the conclusion that Facebook is a double-edged sword. I love being able to keep in touch with family and friends who live out of town, see pictures of my friends beautiful kids, and to be able to share things with friends. But Facebook can create problems. Facebook can often times cause people to try and create lives that they don't really lead. It can allow them to make their lives seem better than they really are. And it can give validation to lonely, hurting spouses that there are still people out there in this world that are interested in them or think they still have value. This goes back to my earlier statement about social media passwords. You should not be checking up on your spouse's messages and/or comments. You have to trust your spouse that they are not doing anything wrong. Checking their messages immediately sends them the message that you do not trust them and eventually they will get into the mindset of: "Well, since I'm being accused of it, I might as well....". 
Your setting yourself and your marriage up for failure. 
Not Watching Movies With Shirtless Men and Scantily Clad Women
I personally feel like this really falls under personal preference. But I do not think it should be a rule in your marriage that you do not allow your husband to watch The Avengers because David Banner loses his shirt somewhere along the way. The same goes with movies that have women wearing bathing suits, skimpy outfits, etc. If you don't want to watch a movie with that in it, then don't. But do not guilt your spouse into not watching something because you are insecure about them seeing another person's body. And don't pass it off with every controlling Christian's favorite passage about looking on another person with lust because there's a very important part of that passage that gets left out when someone tries to use it to control another person's actions. And this, my friends, is not about making your marriage strong, it is about how to control the other person in the marriage. 
And last but not least, the one that bugs me the most: 
Avoiding Crowded Beaches (Or Anywhere That Women May Be Dressed Immodestly) 
This "rule" is backed up using this scripture from Matthew 5:28: 
"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." 
This is the verse I was referencing in the passage above. I've heard so many people say, "If a man looks at another woman then he's committed adultery. Says so right in the Bible."
No. No, it doesn't. That's not even close to what is says because people quoting it decided to leave something out in order to fit their own agenda. This passage in Matthew says that if a man looks at another woman to lust after her then he is committing adultery. This does not mean that if a man looks at another woman across the room that he has committed adultery. This does not mean that if a man sees a woman in her bathing suit that he has committed adultery. It means that if a man looks at another woman and thinks to himself, "Shoot, I'd like to have a piece of that pie!", he has committed adultery. 
The fact that people practice this in their marriage and teach this practice to their children really breaks my heart. 

It's not Biblical.

It teaches young men that they have no control over their lustful urges because of immodest women (which paints women as villains) and it teaches young women to be ashamed of their bodies. Read that again. Not only are you making the woman the "bad guy" like I did when my boyfriend cheated on me instead of making him take responsibility for his actions but you're also teaching young women to be ASHAMED of what GOD has created! 

You're setting your husband and your sons up for "Well, I couldn't help myself," if they actually act on their lustful urges instead of "Please forgive me for my wrongdoings," And you're teaching yourself and your daughters that if a man lusts after you that it is YOUR fault. It is YOUR fault that a man, knowing better, looked at you with a lustful spirit. And then begins a lifetime of self-shame and self-hatred. "Well, if I hadn't worn that shirt," or "If I hadn't worn my hair or makeup that way." Or when your husband cheats on you or your sons cheat on their wives, "Well, if she hadn't been dressed like that," or "She lured him in because of what she was wearing." A man with a poor moral compass will take that and run with it. Why wouldn't he? He's not responsible for his actions! He's not responsible for how that woman makes him feel because of the way SHE dressed! 

So you have your husband and sons covering their eyes and averting their gaze any time they see a beautiful woman. This will make it easy for you to see what kind of woman your husband thinks is beautiful because he surely can't look at the ground or cover his eyes at the sight of every woman. He'd run into things! He'd be a hazard to those around him! But then, once you're aware of the kind of woman that your husband averts his gaze from, you become jealous because he ISN'T looking at her! "If he isn't looking at her he must think she's prettier than me." And then continues the cycle of insecurity, jealous, and broken trust. 

Let's go back to what you're teaching your daughters...

God created her and every other woman, including you. He molded each and every woman carefully and with purpose. And every single woman on this Earth is beautiful. Maybe not all women meet society's standards of beautiful; I know I don't, but I, along with every other woman, am still beautiful because I was made in HIS image. How dare we teach women to be ashamed of the wonderful body that God gave her? A body that can grow, protect, and sustain life! I'm not saying that she should parade it around naked like Lady Godiva but she shouldn't have to cover up just because YOU cannot trust your husband not to look at her with lust in his heart. She should not have to feel ashamed just because someone else cannot control their flesh. 

This "rule" ties in with the movie thing. It's not about Biblical principles or making your marriage stronger, it's about control. If you have to control who your spouse talks to and who they even LOOK at, your marriage already has issues. If you have such little trust in each other that you have to control who your spouse lays their eyes on, then you should have thought a lot harder about getting married before you said "I Do." I would hate to know that my husband trusted me so little that he had to monitor every interaction I had. God doesn't want us to have marriages like that! He wants us to trust in each other and love each other unconditionally! If we spend all of our time monitoring our spouse to make sure they are following these or other rules, then we are not honoring our vows or God, and we are ruining the blessing of marriage that God has given us. Your turning your spouse into an opponent instead of working together. You're constantly waiting for the day when your spouse breaks one of those "rules". And for men, it'll be easy to say "Oops, not my fault." That's the only thing you really get out of this "rule". Your husband gets a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. 

The only "rules" for a successful, Biblical marriage are these: 
Put God First. 
Give him glory and thanks for what he has done in your life and in  your marriage. Obey God and be open to him so that he can lead you to the path he wants for you. Share your love for God with others! 
Honor Your Vows. 
Those vows were not just something pretty to be recited once and never revisited. They were promises; terms of a lifelong commitment to each other. Honor those vows every day of your marriage. 
Trust and Respect Each Other 
You cannot have a happy marriage without trust. You just can't. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise; it just won't work. You have to trust your spouse to honor their vows, to stay faithful to you, and to take care of your needs. Respect their need for things and people outside of you and your marriage. Yes, you are One but you are also still two individual people who have different interests and hobbies. You and your spouse should not feel obligated to spend all of your time with each other. 
Pray for Each Other and Pray Together. 
I've heard throughout my life that the family that prays together stays together. I believe this to be true. Pray earnestly for each other, especially when one or the other is struggling with something or is worried about something. Pray together often. Lay your troubles at God's feet. Ask God for guidance in your marriage and your married life. Pray for others together. 
Of course you can always add things in according to what state your marriage is in or what you are struggling with at the time but these three things are the absolute bones of a Biblical marriage. If you are unsure of whether something should or shouldn't be a rule in your marriage, pray about it. If your spouse has come up with a rule that you are uncomfortable with, pray about it and ask God for discernment to determine whether that rule is to help your marriage or to help your spouse control you because of their trust issues. Talk openly with your spouse about what you expect from them in your marriage in regards to their behavior towards others. 
Do you have rules like this in your marriage? If so, do you really think they help your marriage? Do you have issues trusting your spouse? What could your spouse do to help you resolve those issues? 

Leaving: Saying Good-bye to Your Parents!

LEAVING

So long, See ya later, Good-bye!

What picture comes to mind when you hear these words? Your mom standing on the doorstep with tears welling up in her eyes? Your dad giving you a big, strong hug before you leave? A newly married daughter waving out the window as she is leaving the church?

Although some "good-byes" can be very joyful, they are usually quite emotional. Particularly when it involves a mother and father letting go of their son or daughter.

God's Word presents clear and concise directions concerning leaving. These Bible study questions are designed to encourage you to consider how Biblical principles could have personal application to you in your marriage.

Mark 10:6-10 (The Message)
⁶  In the original creation, God made male and female to be together.
⁷  Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage
⁸  he becomes one flesh with a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity.
⁹  Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart."
¹⁰  When they were back home, the disciples brought it up again.

Lets see if you can answer these questions as it relates to the Bible and your own marriage.

 1. Since when has "leaving" been part of God's design for marriage?

2. Why does the newly married couple need to leave their parents?

3. What did "leaving involve in your marriage?

4. If you had to leave all over again, what would you do differently?

In order to have a successful marriage a husband and wife has to LEAVE their father and mother and CLEAVE to each other. This is an important biblical principle that is left out of the pulpits in churches today that needs to be addressed. Once a couple is successful in doing this then and only then can the two become one flesh. 

We will more go more in-depth on the subject of cleaving in my next post

The Sanctity of Marriage: Part 2

The Sanctity of Marriage (continued)

Matthew 19:4-9

Christ said there is the creation of male and female: "God made them [Adam and Eve] male and female" (Matthew 19:4). He did not make them males and females, as He did animals, but He made one male and one female. Each one was made for the other. They were not made for anyone else, for there was no one else.

(19:5) Marriage— Divorce: Christ said there is the creation of a new family: "A man [shall] leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife" (Matthew 19:5). One man shall cleave to his wife and create a new family distinct from the family of his parents. He says a man, not men, and his wife, not wives. Note that a man leaves his father and mother. The union between husband and wife is to gain primacy over the union between parent and child. The union of cleaving is wrought by God and appointed by God. Therefore marriage is a divine institution. Just as parents and children are not to divorce one another, neither are the husband and wife to divorce each other.

Deeper thought

A Father, mother, and child comprise a unit, a family. However, Christ said father and mother are there when the child leaves. And the child (man) leaves to "cleave to his wife." There is no thought, not even a hint of separation in this statement. It is unquestionably a statement of God's purpose for father, mother, and child. The structure of the family is the means by which man is to carry out the purposes of God on earth. Divorce, tearing down the structure of the family, is not the purpose of God. The structure of a family—father, mother, and child—is the purpose of God.

(19:5-6) Marriage— Divorce: Christ said there is the creation of one body: "A man...shall cleave to his wife and they twain [two] shall be one flesh" (Matthew 19:5). There is the molding into one person. The man and the wife cleave to each other: "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh." What is it that makes them one flesh? Cleaving. They are one body, one flesh, one person. They are not joined to two or three or four other persons, but they cleave only to one other person.

Christ also says that a marriage joined together by Him is not to be destroyed by any man. "A man...shall cleave to his wife...wherefore [cleaving] they are no more twain, but one flesh [joined together by God]. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" (Matthew 19:5).

The points are clear.

1.  The cleaving husband and wife are joined together by God.

2.  No one is to cut asunder what God joins together. Neither the husband or wife nor anyone else is to step in between the two and cause separation.

Deeper thought

Note something of critical importance. By cleaving Christ does not mean what is often thought or pictured: cleaving does not mean taking hold of a wife by civil contract, embracing, or sexual union.

Note the words...

•  "cleaving"

•  "one flesh"

•  "what God hath joined together"

Spouses who are obedient to Christ by cleaving to each other—in all of their being and life, not only physically, but also spiritually—are the ones who become one flesh. They are the ones whom God joins together. A civil contract does not bind people together, neither does embracing and neither does sex. Only God can bind a couple together spiritually, and He does so because a couple is obedient to Him. He rewards and blesses obedience, not disobedience.

Note how the power of God is infused into a couple who obeys Him. He causes their cleaving to bind them so closely together they are as one person.

 (19:7-8) Marriage— Divorce: there is the ideal of permanence in marriage. The Pharisees had entrapped Jesus, or so they thought. Jesus had given four reasons why there was to be no divorce. He was standing against Moses. In their view Moses had given a commandment that allowed divorce (Matthew 19:7). Jesus says three things about the ideal of marriage.

1.  Moses made a concession.

2.  The reason: man's hard, sinful hearts.

3.  Divorce was never willed and was not the purpose of God.

Note three important facts.

1)  God's will for marriage was permanence. Divorce was permitted under Moses, but it was not God's will. It was sin, short of God's will and purpose.

2)  The cause for divorce is said to be hardness of heart—a very serious indictment.

3)  The union of marriage is not brought about by a natural law but by God. Marriage is not a law of nature, inherent within man. It is not something that operates by nature, that just happens because two people agree to live together and sign a civil contract. A true union or marriage that is joined together by God is a blessing, a gift of God. It is brought about because a couple is obedient to God. They live in and for each other under God (acknowledging God in all things), just as He says to live ("cleaving"). Therefore, God blesses them by joining them together in the most binding spiritual union.

It bears repeating: marriage is not a natural law; it is not a law of nature; it is a spiritual law that operates only if each spouse walks in the Spirit.

(19:9) Marriage— Divorce: there is the allowance for divorce—fornication. Christ says, "Whosoever puts away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another commiteth adultery...." (Matthew 19:9).

•  There is one clear reason for divorce: adultery.

Before Christ came into the world, adultery was punishable by death. Since Christ has come, the penalty has been changed. Divorce itself is to be the punishment, not death. (What an impact this change of law has made on societies in the past! How much it is needed in some parts of the world even today! Compassion is the answer to sin, not anger and wrath.)

Note the importance and high esteem that Christ places upon sex within marriage. It is so intimate and meaningful and important an experience that if it is violated, divorce is allowed. Note however: Christ did not say that divorce must take place. It is only allowed. If the couple has been living in Him and blessed by Him and the violated spouse cannot emotionally accept the unfaithfulness, divorce can take place. But if the offended spouse can forgive—if he or she can be emotionally controlled and forgiving enough to forgive—then the spouse should forgive.

The Sanctity of Marriage: Part 1

The questions regarding marriage and divorce are always burning questions; extremely controversial within societies heavily influence by Christian teaching. Opinions vary and interpretations differ. There is always the closed view that says divorce is never allowed by God no matter the cruelty and meanness that may exist. And there is always the more open view that says divorce is allowed if the rift between a couple is not reconciled and causes more damage than good. 

Christ gave guidelines concerning divorce. Some believe it to be the unpardonable sin and some use is as an escape rout to get out of a situation that may not be what they expected at the time of their marriage. 

Instead of focusing on the why and the what that caused such a serious decision to be made, let's focus on the people involved in this no-win situation. 

I believe that it is wrong not to face the issues of marriage and divorce, no matter the different opinions and practices of society. Why? 

There are always a large number of divorced people. Many of these people need help; desperately need help. Their faith, hope, security, children, and their whole lives have been drastically affected. If believers, God's people, do not open their hearts to them, then a great opportunity to reach out and help them grow in Christ is missed. 

Now that Christ did: He spoke up and taught about the issue and the issue was as controversial in His day as it has been in succeeding generations. 

The same two attitudes toward Christ prevail in every generation: there are those who sincerely seek the help of Christ; and then there are those who are always testing and questioning Him, stretching every inch they can out of the world and the flesh. They question and question, and by their questioning they are able to create uncertainty and doubt over right and wrong. They are able to live as they wish. 

Note the question asked, "Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?" The flesh says no matter how frivolous -- if there is displeasure, disgust, dislike -- then divorce is allowed. But is it? 

Read Part 2 Here

Linked up at Fellowship Friday

The 5 B's: A List To Help Strengthen Your Marriage

I have a terrible memory. Most days I walk into a room and can't remember what I was walking in there for. My forgetfulness has gotten so bad that my husband has suggested that I make lists for everything I do. If I write it down, then surely I can't forget it. Until I put the list down and then forget where I put it....

Lists are actually really helpful for a number of things in our lives. Marriage is one of those things. When we were writing our marriage vows, I made a list of all of the things that I loved about Billy and why I loved those things. I didn't really need a list to show myself how much I loved him but it helped me because I had all of the most important things all in front of me when I started writing. I have used this same idea to create a list of things I need to do in my marriage to keep it strong. 

Be Intimate

Some people get really excited at the word "intimate" while others shy away from it. Being intimate does not always mean having sex. You can be intimate with your spouse without sex. Some nights, after especially long days, I like to snuggle up next to Billy in our bed and just enjoy the feeling of being held in his arms. He's like a security blanket, sometimes. All I have to do is wrap myself up in him and I instantly feel better. He knows I'm tired, hurting, upset, etc., and I need the reassurance that even though everything else has gone wrong, he still loves me.

And sometimes being intimate does mean having sex. Paul mentions sex between husbands and wives in 1 Corinthians 7:3-7. He explains that husbands and wives should give to each other sexually and should not withhold sex from the other partner unless both partners have agreed. He also warns that you should not go so long without intimacy in your marriage that you allow the devil to step in and tempt you or your spouse. Husbands and wives should be intimate with one another because sex is a gift from God. It's another opportunity to show their love for one another in a way that is so private that no one else can see it. By continuing to have intimacy throughout your marriage, you are able to keep the devil from having a foothold and tempting you or your spouse with an option to get what you/they are not getting at home. 

"Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency"

 - 1 Corinthians 7:5 KJV

Be Supportive 

You should support your spouse in everything that they do. (Unless they're plotting to rob a bank. You probably shouldn't support that.) When you and your spouse get married you become each other's most important support system. You should be able to lean on each other and confide in each other. You should also lift each other up and encourage each other. When Billy makes decisions not just for us but for him, I try to make sure that he knows that I believe in him and I trust that his decision is the best one. Having confidence in your spouse, and showing them that you have confidence in them, can really lift their spirits and allow them to have more confidence in themselves.

Romans 8:31-32 poses the question, "If God is for us who can be against us?" and reminds us that God sacrificed his only son for us. These two versus can be applied (a smaller scale, of course) to marriage. If I am for Billy and we stand together, who can be against us? No one. That is because we are standing together as one flesh and we support each other in order to keep everything negative out. If you have a hard time supporting your spouse remember this; your spouse gave up their singular life in order to have a life with you. They sacrificed friends, family, dreams, and goals because they loved you so much that those things suddenly weren't as important anymore.

"What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?"
-Romans 8:31-32 KJV


Be Forgiving

This is one of the most important "B's". It is also sometimes one of the hardest. One of the biggest things I hear from my friends when it comes to relationships is their issues with forgiveness. It's really hard sometimes to forgive someone who has really hurt you, especially when that person is the person that you love the most. And the ONE person in this world who isn't supposed to hurt you. Unfortunately, because we're human and we're all ugly sinners, we do end up hurting the ones we love. Just as we hurt God when we sin.

It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be hurting, frustrated, upset, annoyed. It's okay to walk away from the situation for a minute to think about things and give yourself time to deal with your emotions. But, in order to have a happy, loving, successful marriage, you have to be able to forgive your spouse and yourself. A wise man tells me quite often that holding a grudge and not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The only person hurting is you. And if you're hurting, you can't move on. And if you can't move on, your marriage will never grow. It will become a stunted flower in the garden and eventually wilt away. By not forgiving someone our hearts eventually harden towards that person and we begin to treat them and our relationship with them a lot differently. Maybe even ending it all together. Do not let your marriage suffer over something that can be forgiven. And if you're having a hard time forgiving your spouse for something, be honest with them about it. Most importantly, pray. Ask God for help and guidance in how to forgive.

"Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." 
- Colossians 3:19 KJV

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
- Ephesians 4:32 KJV

Be Grateful

Realize how lucky you are to be married! Appreciate one another and the blessing that is your marriage! In Genesis 2:18, God said it was not good for man to be alone and he created woman to be a suitable helper for him. How amazing is that God created someone especially for you? How amazing is that he deemed you suitable just for your spouse? God is the ultimate matchmaker! Be grateful that he loves you so much that he took the time to create someone especially for you that would love you as he does. Proverbs 5:18-19 tells us to appreciate the time we have with our love while we have them.

Do not waste the time that you have together. You can't get it back, do it over, or ask for more when the time is up. When you're feeling cramped, smothered, and covered like a Waffle House hashbrown order, remember that God created you for your spouse and family and God blessed you with  your spouse and family. Psalms 68:6 tells us that God puts people together in families so that they are not alone. God wants us to be together and have families but you should be thankful and appreciative of your family or you could lose them.

"And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."
- Genesis 2:18 KJV

"Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."
- Proverbs 5:18-19

"God setteth the solitary in families: he bringeth out those which are bound with chains: but the rebellious dwell in a dry land."
- Psalms 68:6

Be Content

Life is not perfect. Things go wrong. There aren't enough hours in the day. There isn't enough money to be spread around. The kids are acting up. The house is a mess. Your favorite band is in town but you have to work that weekend. Life gets in the way of everything. It's very easy to let all of the negative things in life get you down. It's also very easy to let those negative things in life get in the way of taking care of your marriage. Instead of focusing on all the negative things in life, focus on the positive. You were late to work today? That really stinks. But you made it to work. You were able to get up this morning and go to work. Some people wish they could complain about being late for a job. Look on the positive side of things and learn how to be content in the place that you are right now.

Billy and I rent our home. We love our little house and our yard and the neighborhood we live in BUT we eventually want to own a home; once we figure out where we want to live permanently. Sometimes it gets frustrating because there are things we want to do with or in our home that we can't because we rent. Sometimes we wished we lived in a different part of town. But we are both learning that until we learn to be happy with what God has blessed us with now, we will be stuck where we are. Instead of complaining about things we can't do right now, we thank God for our little house and our wonderful landlord and we put those things we want to do on a list for the future. We have to be happy where we are right now in our life in order to grow our marriage and make a better future for us and our children.

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
- Philippians 4:11




Do you practice The 5 B's or something similar? What do you struggle with the most? How can you and your spouse help each other to practice something like The 5 B's?