How To Love A Spouse Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted

When Billy and I first decided to start this blog, I asked him how much of our lives he was willing to share because I knew going into this that there would be someone in our personal lives who would get upset over things (and it did happen) we discussed here on the blog. He and I both agreed that in order to witness to others and be taken seriously, we were both going to have to be open and honest with our readers. Of course we aren't going to tell you every detail of our lives but we are going to share personal moments, even if some of those moments were really hard for us to deal with. That being said, today's post will be a little different than Biblical expectations of husband and wife. And Billy may not be too happy with me that I post this here because he's tired of hearing about the Duggar scandal BUT I feel like this is a very important message that someone somewhere needs to read. 
Most people know at least a tidbit of information about the Josh Duggar scandal at this point. It's been something that has kept me physically sick since I started reading it. Not just because of what he did and how his parents handled it but because of so many people defending him and brushing off his actions as a "child who didn't know any better." This post isn't to debate any of his defenders and those who idolize the Duggars, but this whole situation is what inspired this post. Those girls that he victimized will grow up to be women who someday may or may not get married. Those poor girls are going to have issues, even on a small scale, the majority of their lives. And I can say that because I know personally the effects of being sexually assaulted. Whomever they marry will have to be understanding, patient men. This post is sort of a guide of how to love a spouse who has been sexually assaulted. 
Here is my story so that you understand why I feel even the least bit qualified to write this post. Please understand that I am not trying to cause hurt for anyone in my life or anyone in my past by anything that I post. I have been able to forgive and move on with my life but the things that happened have affected how I lived my young adult life and my relationship with my husband. 
I am a victim of sexual assault. It happened more than once in my life and the first instance happened when I was 6 at the hands of my own best friend. We weren't children exploring our bodies. She was doing to me the things someone in her family was doing to her. Two different boyfriends in high school physical abused me in response to the word "No". One of those instances happened at school and when reported to the PE coach, I was the one was at fault because I stepped outside the gym door and into the hallway where my boyfriend was. When I was 16, my youth pastor continuously made passes at me, and then put his hands on me, and once the pastor of the church was confronted about it I was again told that it was MY fault. At twenty I was raped by someone I had foolishly put my trust in. And he blamed me for what he did. It was MY fault he couldn't control himself. 
By the time I met Billy I was a very broken-hearted person. I'd learned from my time in church being around "good Christian folk" that women like me were disgusting and basically worthless. No self-respecting "man of God" would ever want "damaged goods". I was taught by elders in church to be ashamed of myself and my body and that if I ALLOWED something like that to happen to me then I was pretty much asking for it. I was also taught that you didn't talk about what happened to you because it was vile and disgusting and it was personal business that no one needed to know about. I was scared to tell my parents because my mother had been through enough of her own sexual trauma as a child and I didn't want her to have to suffer through it again. I didn't want to tell my daddy because I didn't want my daddy to look at me with disappointment in his eyes because his daughter was no longer pure and innocent; a fear that wasn't instilled in me by my father but by "good Christians.". I held it all in and didn't talk to anyone about it and allowed the shame and fear and disgusted to consume my life so much that I turned my back on God and basically lost my mind. I was spiraling out of control and flying towards the gates of hell faster than jet plane because I just gave up on life. I didn't care anymore what was right and was wrong and what God or anyone else thought of me because I'd let all of those messages that people give girls who've been in my position get into my head and convince me that I wasn't worthy of love. 
Thanks to Billy and a lot of prayer and crying and screaming to God, I've learned that those things that happened to me didn't make me "damaged goods". I wasn't worthless and unworthy of love and devotion from another person. I wasn't vile and disgusting. I was a woman who people with evil in their heart had taken advantage of to satisfy their own sinful needs. God wasn't punishing me for something I'd done by allowing these things to happen. And I could still have an amazing life filled with love and joy. 
Don't tell a victim that they should have done something "differently". 
Someone who has been sexually assaulted has already played the scenario over and over and over and over and over again in their own heads. They do not need to hear "Well, if you hadn't done this" or "maybe you should have done this". They already KNOW and already BLAME themselves for doing/not doing something. 
Don't ask for details 
Unless you are a law enforcement officer or a licensed counselor, you should not be asking for details about what happened. If your spouse opens up to you and tells you the details, that's fine. That's their choice. Do not ask them to relive every moment over by asking for details. 
If you and your spouse are about to or are having sex and they ask you to stop, then stop. No questions asked. 
This should be a given anyway for any relationship but if you know your spouse has been through some sort of sexual trauma and they ask you to stop, then stop immediately. Sometimes little things trigger memories and sometimes a person just needs to take a step back and take a breath and let it pass. 
Don't treat them as if they're broken
Don't treat your spouse like they're made of porcelain. Don't go out of your way to do extra things for them or help them avoid certain situations just because of what happened to them. By doing so you rob them of the opportunity of living a normal life where their past isn't the focus of their lives. You keep the memories alive by treating them differently because of what happened. 
Listen
Don't talk. Don't ask questions. Just listen. Let your spouse get all of the hurt out first. And then you talk. 
Be patient
Things like this can be incredibly difficult to open up about, especially to someone that you want to love you. Be patient with your spouse if they're not ready to talk. I developed severe OCD and panic attacks from talking about what happened to me. I also became somewhat of a recluse because I couldn't handle being around people. Once Billy sat down with me and let me start trying to talk everything out, I started to feel better. I still have some bad days but I'm a thousand times better than I was thanks to my loving husband. 
Pray with your spouse 
Having Billy pray with me sometimes gives me the extra I need to ask something from God. Sometimes talking to God by yourself can be hard so having someone else standing with you in your corner, gives you the ability to lay everything at God's feet. 
Be supportive
This is another that should go with any relationship but you should be supportive of a spouse dealing with something like this. If they are going to counseling or therapy, offer to go with them. If they ask for some time alone, give it to them. If they ask for cuddles on the couch, cuddle them. Sometimes just knowing that they're no longer having to go through their issues alone is enough. 
Love unconditionally
Love your spouse no matter what they've been through. Do not judge or blame them for what happened to them. Teach them how to love themselves unconditionally and always remind them that you love them for who they are. Remind them that your love sees past physical and emotional scars. 
Show them that not all Christians blame the victims
Please do not be one of those people who teaches a girl to be quiet and to be ashamed of herself because of what someone else did to her. Please do not be one of those Christians who blames teenage hormones or a man's lust on his actions. Do not let your spouse think that all Christians believe you are "damaged goods" if you have been a victim of sexual assault. Do not let your spouse believe that the house of God is not a place for them. 
God isn't a God of hatred and heartbreak. He doesn't want us to feel ashamed and lonely and unworthy. He wants us to turn to him in our time of need instead of away from him. He wants to be our comforter and our protector He also wants us to be able to have a happy and healthy relationships with our spouses. This can't happen if we're still hanging on to things that happened to us in our past. This is why loving a spouse who has been sexually assaulted is so important. You are part of God's plan to help heal your loved one. 
Below are some links to resources for survivors of sexual abuse: 
The Joyful Heart Foundation iSurvive.org The Pixel Project Survivor Today

Be A Beautiful Wife Inside AND Out

Things have been a little silent here and that's my fault. I told Billy that I had a post planned and so he's been waiting on me to do this post. But I fought myself and God, trying to figure out a way out of this post. And it's silly because at this point in my life and my relationship with God, I already know that fighting him isn't going to help me in any way. And it's not going to make me feel any better. 

This is going to be a post about being a beautiful wife, inside AND out. Why would I try to talk myself out of writing this post? Because I don't always practice what I'm about to "preach".  Being a beautiful wife for your husband is a very important part of having a successful marriage. 

Wait...WHAT? 

Before anyone starts hurling out statements about how the outward appearance shouldn't matter and "Well, the Bible says outward beauty isn't important".....hear me out. And then you can say whatever you want. 

As a wife you are an extension of your husband. Anything that you do reflects back on him just as everything we do as Christians reflects back on God. @WeDoForever {tweet this}

Being a beautiful wife isn't just about outward appearance, although that will be part of this post. Being a beautiful wife also means being beautiful on the inside, where it counts the most. As a wife you are an extension of your husband. Anything that you do reflects back on him just as everything we do as Christians reflects back on God. If you do something negative or something that others view in a negative light, it will reflect back on your husband and it will also hinder your opportunity to guide others to a relationship with God. 

This is something that I struggle with; not as much as I used to, but it is still a struggle. I had to learn early in our marriage how to gracefully handle people who wanted to come in between Billy and I instead of lashing out or causing a scene. I was 23 when Billy and I got married and was very hot-headed. Especially when it came to someone intentionally hurting the feelings of someone I cared about. And I had to learn how to curb my tongue and think before I started speaking so that I did not say something I would regret or say something to embarrass my sweet husband. These days I try as hard as I can to avoid people in our lives that I know are going to upset me but if I have to interact with these people I keep things as cordial as possible and then instead of lashing out, I pray for God to help me have peace with the things these people say and do and I pray for them that God will work in their hearts and in their lives to change whatever makes them so spiteful, hateful, and just down right mean. I do not engage in confrontational conversations or let them bait me into anything because I do not want my behavior to reflect poorly on Billy. 

When it comes to other people, I am learning to be more compassionate and caring of others not just because I want to be a good representation of my husband but also because I want others to see God's love in me. When I interact with people, I want them to feel God's love emanating from me so that it causes a hunger in them for God's word. I do not want to be the type of person that is Christian in name only. And as someone who has severe social anxieties, it is something I must work harder and harder at every day. 

But what does this have to do with being beautiful? 

Everything. It has everything to do with being beautiful, with being a beautiful wife. You want your soul to be the most beautiful thing that other people see; especially your husband. He's the one who fell in love with you after all! You want a compassionate, caring, considerate soul and a desire to serve your husband as his wife. Your inner beauty is what shines through to make your outer beauty that much more breath-taking! 

Speaking of outer beauty.....is physical beauty really all that important? 

Yes and no. 

There are several passages in the Bible that talk about the outward appearance and how the focus should be on the inward appearance instead. (1 Peter 3:3-4, 1 Samuel 16:7, John 7:24, 2 Corinthians 4:16). But do these passages mean that God does not want us to pay any attention to our outward appearance? I don't think so. While focus on inner beauty and your connection with God is far more important, outward beauty is still something to be addressed. We are made in God's image. That statement right there means we are already beautiful! But, if we are made in God's image, should we not take care to preserve this image? 

Part of our human, sinful nature is to be attracted by beautiful things. I do not believe that the serpent in the Garden was just your average run of the mill grass snake. I believe he was a beautiful awe-inspiring creature that captivated Eve's attraction to beautiful things. Our eyes naturally gravitate to things that are pretty. And at some point you attracted your husband's eye with your outward beauty. Your outward beauty is what drew him in and gave him the desire to know your inner beauty. So many times, myself included in this, women get married and have kids and lose themselves in the care-taking of everyone else in the home. It becomes second nature to put yourself last and neglect your outward appearance. That's not fair to you or your husband. You deserve to feel beautiful and your husband deserves to keep that beautiful wife he fell in love with. And if your husband is anything like mine, he probably tells you that it doesn't matter if you're bald-headed and wearing a potato sack; he'd still love you. And that's amazing! But as a woman I know sometimes it's not what you want to hear. 

Taking care of your appearance not only shows that you care about yourself but also about your husband. Just as you deserve a husband that you can be proud of inside and out, your husband deserves to have a wife he is proud of inside and out. You are also teaching your children that while it is important to help others and take care of those you love, it is also important to take care of yourself. If you're feeling down about yourself, it will show in your attitude and how you interact with others. If you're feeling low, how do you expect others to believe you when you talk about the joy of God's love for them? If you look rundown and unkempt, your message may be hindered. how can you tell someone that God is doing amazing things in your life and has given you a wonderful life if you can't also show them? Unfortunately, there are a lot of "Doubting Thomases" in this world who have to see in order to believe. 

By being a beautiful person inside and out, you can inspire others, including your husband and children, to do the same. Outward beauty is in the eye of the beholder so my standard of beauty and your's may not be the same thing, but that's okay! I feel like I a completely new person when I get my hair done. It changes my entire mood and I feel more confident and ready to take on the world. When I paint my nails a strong, bold color, I feel more powerful. When I look nice outwardly, my social anxieties are not as prominent. I feel confident in myself and I hold my head high, ready to strike up a conversation with anyone who walks by. I've "let myself go" so to speak since having a child and being married and being a stay-at-home parent. Sweat pants are more comfortable. Ponytails are more manageable. Why should I wear makeup when I'm just hanging out a home? I'm just running to the grocery store so I won't worry about fixing my hair or changing my stained t-shirt. So I go out looking like a rundown, frazzled mommy instead of a proud mother and wife and people see it in my appearance. And then instead of being able to witness to people, I get sympathetic looks of "Bless her heart," or "Does she get dressed in the dark?" And I know that because I've thought the same thing of other women I've seen who have "let themselves go." 

One of the most common things I hear from men and women I know who have had issues with infidelity in their relationships is that they no longer found their partner attractive. Their partner stopped taking care of their hair, gained a lot of weight, became a slob, etc. While there is no excuse for infidelity, no matter the circumstance, I can understand how a person gets to the top of that slippery slope. When the person you've been so attracted to becomes a person (outwardly) that you hardly recognize, it can take a toll on your relationship and your marriage. 

I'm not telling you to become a vain person and only focus on your outward appearance or that your outward appearance is the most important thing, but you should be diligent about maintaining a nice appearance for several reasons. It shows that you are proud of yourself and proud of being your husband's wife, it helps your inner light for God shine even brighter, and it shows that you are proud of being made in God's image. 

What steps do you take to maintain your inner and outer beauty? Do you feel more confident when you take care of your outward appearance? What do you struggle with more, maintaining your inner beauty or your outer beauty?