How To Love A Spouse Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted

When Billy and I first decided to start this blog, I asked him how much of our lives he was willing to share because I knew going into this that there would be someone in our personal lives who would get upset over things (and it did happen) we discussed here on the blog. He and I both agreed that in order to witness to others and be taken seriously, we were both going to have to be open and honest with our readers. Of course we aren't going to tell you every detail of our lives but we are going to share personal moments, even if some of those moments were really hard for us to deal with. That being said, today's post will be a little different than Biblical expectations of husband and wife. And Billy may not be too happy with me that I post this here because he's tired of hearing about the Duggar scandal BUT I feel like this is a very important message that someone somewhere needs to read. 
Most people know at least a tidbit of information about the Josh Duggar scandal at this point. It's been something that has kept me physically sick since I started reading it. Not just because of what he did and how his parents handled it but because of so many people defending him and brushing off his actions as a "child who didn't know any better." This post isn't to debate any of his defenders and those who idolize the Duggars, but this whole situation is what inspired this post. Those girls that he victimized will grow up to be women who someday may or may not get married. Those poor girls are going to have issues, even on a small scale, the majority of their lives. And I can say that because I know personally the effects of being sexually assaulted. Whomever they marry will have to be understanding, patient men. This post is sort of a guide of how to love a spouse who has been sexually assaulted. 
Here is my story so that you understand why I feel even the least bit qualified to write this post. Please understand that I am not trying to cause hurt for anyone in my life or anyone in my past by anything that I post. I have been able to forgive and move on with my life but the things that happened have affected how I lived my young adult life and my relationship with my husband. 
I am a victim of sexual assault. It happened more than once in my life and the first instance happened when I was 6 at the hands of my own best friend. We weren't children exploring our bodies. She was doing to me the things someone in her family was doing to her. Two different boyfriends in high school physical abused me in response to the word "No". One of those instances happened at school and when reported to the PE coach, I was the one was at fault because I stepped outside the gym door and into the hallway where my boyfriend was. When I was 16, my youth pastor continuously made passes at me, and then put his hands on me, and once the pastor of the church was confronted about it I was again told that it was MY fault. At twenty I was raped by someone I had foolishly put my trust in. And he blamed me for what he did. It was MY fault he couldn't control himself. 
By the time I met Billy I was a very broken-hearted person. I'd learned from my time in church being around "good Christian folk" that women like me were disgusting and basically worthless. No self-respecting "man of God" would ever want "damaged goods". I was taught by elders in church to be ashamed of myself and my body and that if I ALLOWED something like that to happen to me then I was pretty much asking for it. I was also taught that you didn't talk about what happened to you because it was vile and disgusting and it was personal business that no one needed to know about. I was scared to tell my parents because my mother had been through enough of her own sexual trauma as a child and I didn't want her to have to suffer through it again. I didn't want to tell my daddy because I didn't want my daddy to look at me with disappointment in his eyes because his daughter was no longer pure and innocent; a fear that wasn't instilled in me by my father but by "good Christians.". I held it all in and didn't talk to anyone about it and allowed the shame and fear and disgusted to consume my life so much that I turned my back on God and basically lost my mind. I was spiraling out of control and flying towards the gates of hell faster than jet plane because I just gave up on life. I didn't care anymore what was right and was wrong and what God or anyone else thought of me because I'd let all of those messages that people give girls who've been in my position get into my head and convince me that I wasn't worthy of love. 
Thanks to Billy and a lot of prayer and crying and screaming to God, I've learned that those things that happened to me didn't make me "damaged goods". I wasn't worthless and unworthy of love and devotion from another person. I wasn't vile and disgusting. I was a woman who people with evil in their heart had taken advantage of to satisfy their own sinful needs. God wasn't punishing me for something I'd done by allowing these things to happen. And I could still have an amazing life filled with love and joy. 
Don't tell a victim that they should have done something "differently". 
Someone who has been sexually assaulted has already played the scenario over and over and over and over and over again in their own heads. They do not need to hear "Well, if you hadn't done this" or "maybe you should have done this". They already KNOW and already BLAME themselves for doing/not doing something. 
Don't ask for details 
Unless you are a law enforcement officer or a licensed counselor, you should not be asking for details about what happened. If your spouse opens up to you and tells you the details, that's fine. That's their choice. Do not ask them to relive every moment over by asking for details. 
If you and your spouse are about to or are having sex and they ask you to stop, then stop. No questions asked. 
This should be a given anyway for any relationship but if you know your spouse has been through some sort of sexual trauma and they ask you to stop, then stop immediately. Sometimes little things trigger memories and sometimes a person just needs to take a step back and take a breath and let it pass. 
Don't treat them as if they're broken
Don't treat your spouse like they're made of porcelain. Don't go out of your way to do extra things for them or help them avoid certain situations just because of what happened to them. By doing so you rob them of the opportunity of living a normal life where their past isn't the focus of their lives. You keep the memories alive by treating them differently because of what happened. 
Listen
Don't talk. Don't ask questions. Just listen. Let your spouse get all of the hurt out first. And then you talk. 
Be patient
Things like this can be incredibly difficult to open up about, especially to someone that you want to love you. Be patient with your spouse if they're not ready to talk. I developed severe OCD and panic attacks from talking about what happened to me. I also became somewhat of a recluse because I couldn't handle being around people. Once Billy sat down with me and let me start trying to talk everything out, I started to feel better. I still have some bad days but I'm a thousand times better than I was thanks to my loving husband. 
Pray with your spouse 
Having Billy pray with me sometimes gives me the extra I need to ask something from God. Sometimes talking to God by yourself can be hard so having someone else standing with you in your corner, gives you the ability to lay everything at God's feet. 
Be supportive
This is another that should go with any relationship but you should be supportive of a spouse dealing with something like this. If they are going to counseling or therapy, offer to go with them. If they ask for some time alone, give it to them. If they ask for cuddles on the couch, cuddle them. Sometimes just knowing that they're no longer having to go through their issues alone is enough. 
Love unconditionally
Love your spouse no matter what they've been through. Do not judge or blame them for what happened to them. Teach them how to love themselves unconditionally and always remind them that you love them for who they are. Remind them that your love sees past physical and emotional scars. 
Show them that not all Christians blame the victims
Please do not be one of those people who teaches a girl to be quiet and to be ashamed of herself because of what someone else did to her. Please do not be one of those Christians who blames teenage hormones or a man's lust on his actions. Do not let your spouse think that all Christians believe you are "damaged goods" if you have been a victim of sexual assault. Do not let your spouse believe that the house of God is not a place for them. 
God isn't a God of hatred and heartbreak. He doesn't want us to feel ashamed and lonely and unworthy. He wants us to turn to him in our time of need instead of away from him. He wants to be our comforter and our protector He also wants us to be able to have a happy and healthy relationships with our spouses. This can't happen if we're still hanging on to things that happened to us in our past. This is why loving a spouse who has been sexually assaulted is so important. You are part of God's plan to help heal your loved one. 
Below are some links to resources for survivors of sexual abuse: 
The Joyful Heart Foundation iSurvive.org The Pixel Project Survivor Today